Текст песни Feminist Blowjob - George Carlin

Now I've probably got the feminists all pissed off at me because I'm joking about rape
Feminists want to control your language, feminists want to tell you how to talk
And they're not alone, they're not alone, I'm not picking on the feminists
They got a lot of company in this country
There's a lot of groups, a lot of institutions in this country want to control your language
Tell you what you can say and what you can't say
Government wants to tell you some things you can't say because they're against the law

Well you can't say this because it's against the regulation
Well, here's something you can't say because it's a, "Secret"
"You can't tell him that, because he's not clear to know that"
Government wants to control information and control language
Because that's the way you control thought
And basically that's the game they're in
Same with religion, religion is nothing but mind control
Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thought

So they're going to tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're, "Sins"
And besides telling you some things you shouldn't say
Religion's going to suggest to you some things you ought to be saying
Here's something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning
Here's something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night
Here's something we always say on the third Wednesday in April
After the first full moon in spring at four o'clock when the bells ring

Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying
Same with political groups of all kinds
Political activists, anti-bias groups, special interest groups
Are going to suggest the correct political vocabulary
The way you ought to be saying things, and that's where the feminists come in
As I said, I got nothing against the feminists
In fact, I happen to agree with most of the feminist philosophy I have read
I agree, for instance, that for the most part, men are vain, ignorant, greedy, brutal assholes

Who've just about ruined this planet
Who've just-, who've just about ruined this planet
Because they're afraid someone might have a bigger dick out there somewhere
Men are basically insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they go to war over it
You don't have to be a political scientist or a history major
To see the bigger dick, foreign policy theory at work
It goes something like this, "What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them"
And of course the bombs and the bullets and the rockets are all shaped like dicks

I don't understand that part of it, but it is part of the equation, so I agree with that abstract
That man, men, males have pushed the technology that just about has this planet in a stranglehold
Mother Earth raped again, guess who, "Hey, she was asking for it"
I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat-ass housewives
Who think there's nothing more to life that sitting home on the telephone
Drinking coffee, watching TV and pumping out a baby every nine months
P-poom, p-poom, p-poom, p-poom, p-poom, "Will seven be enough, Bob?" P-poom, p-poom

But what's the alternative? What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months?
Pointless careerism? Pointless careerism? Putting on a man-tailored suit with shoulder pads
And imitating all the worst behavior of men? This is the noblest thing that women can think of?
To take a job in a criminal corporation that's poisoning the environment and robbing customers out of their money?
This is the worthiest thing they can think of?
Isn't there something nobler they can do to be helping this planet heals?
You don't hear much about that from these middle-class women

I've noticed that most of these feminists are white, middle-class women
They don't give a shit about black women's problems
They don't care about Latino women
All they're interested in is their own reproductive freedom and their pocketbooks
But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points
Because we do think in language
And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language
So maybe some of this patriarcho shit ought to go away

I think spokesman ought to be spokesperson
I think chairman ought to be chairperson
I think mankind ought to be humankind
But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate
They want me to call that thing in the street a person hole cover
I think that's taking it a little bit too far
What would you call a lady's man, a person's person?
That would make a He-man an It-person

Little kids would be afraid of the boogie person
They'd look up in the sky and see the person in the moon
Guys would say, come back here and fight like a person
And we'd all sing, "For it's a jolly good person."
That's the kind of thing you would hear on late-night with David Letterperson
You know what I mean? So-
So I think it's an exaggeration and I like to piss off
Any group that take's itself a little bit too seriously
And it does not take a lot of imagination to piss off a feminist

All you gotta do is run into NOW headquarters or Ms. Magazine and say-
"Hey, which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come home
And cook me a nice meal and give me a blowjob?"
"Blowjob?", Oh, oh, that pisses them off
You want to piss off a feminist? Call her a cum-catcher, that'll get her attention
Aww, don't act disgusted, don't act disgusted
Half of you are going to go home and go down on each other tonight, remember?
If you're willing to swallow cum, let's not make believe something I said was disgusting, okay? Huh?
All right, let's not have a double standard here, one standard will do just fine

Now, speaking of blowjobs, do you know why they call it a blowjob?
So it'll sound like it has kind of a work ethic attached to it
Make you feel like you did something useful for the economy
Long as I'm being a complete pig up here, let me ask you guys a question
Let me ask, let me ask one question of the men
Are you ever able to watch a woman eating a banana and not think about a blowjob? Huh?

I can't do it and I know why, I'm a sick evil fuck, I accept that
But I can't do it, eating a banana, eating a pickle, licking on an ice-cream cone
I'm saying to myself, look at the tongue on her, wow
So you women be careful when you're standing in front of that Häagen Dazs
'Cause, God dammit, we're watching, hah, and God dammit, we're thinking

Another women's issue, prostitution, I do not understand why prostitution is illegal
Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal, fucking is legal, why isn't selling fucking legal?
You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
I can't follow the logic on that at all, of all the things you can do to a person
Giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world
In the army, they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people
Civilian life, you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm
Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it