Paroles et traduction 張洪量 - 神曲

神曲

神曲

台北市新生南路金华国中的前一站

开住永和南势角的O南公交车
装满了一个十六岁师大附中少年对一个金华国中少女的初恋

人生中再也没有比这更纯洁的爱了
虽然她让我大学联考前还荒废学业

十八岁时台北医学院与师大国文系的皇帝殿登山联谊

男女配对的丢钥匙游戏
我们就这样天注定似的走在一起
最终还是被不够爱她的我祝福了给别人

可惜我那时不懂珍惜爱
二十二岁
莫名其妙的一把火竟然烧起同班五年都没感觉的同学

她出国后我总是在舞厅鬼混
她去了遥远的亚特兰大
青春难耐的我不知不觉就跟她断了线

后来我在和平东路六张犁安居街开了诊所

失去人生方向的我
夜夜跳舞到早上六点

后来认识了中山女中合唱团指挥
她让我在英国爱彼路录音室有了寄托
她也让我在匹兹堡第一次为爱落泪
失恋的我去了青海湖边的鸟岛
缺氧酒醉呕吐后
声嘶力竭的哭了好几夜
直到我看到拉萨西藏少女的懵懂美丽童颜
后来我回到台湾
就跟她再也没见过面
长期感情空白中
我曾走入了北京的百花深处
她是无邪的花蕊
陪着她牵着自行车回她家
我还记得她害羞的脸
也许那次感觉也是我对学生时代单纯的爱恋最后告别

寒带来的那个女孩
曾说她好爱我要当我老婆
最后背叛了我到南方小岛
但我已经不再怪她曾经羞辱我
差点毁了我
我不知道为什么
从加拿大魁北克来的她
会在贝加尔湖畔跟我种下爱苗
横跨了西伯利亚铁路
都不知为什么
直到看到她在灰狗巴士车站
大雪中痴痴的在等我
零下十度刚下大雪蒙特利尔的第一夜
很多男男女女分住的法式大屋
我住进了临街的房
冰冻的窗
星星满天很黑很蓝
她钻进了我的被窝
可是最后是那个我在她读仁爱国中时就认识的女孩

让我在四十一岁对永恒不变的爱终于断念

都几岁了还不成熟
难道这生都不会再成熟
我也想过
我真的老了吗
倦了吗
不再青春亢奋了吗
为什么热情在胸中沸腾
更胜我十六岁初恋时
难道我还在等待寻找
那几十亿人中唯一的那一个可能会永远爱我的人

明知越来越没希望
却越来越渴望
我破碎了
之后
我也曾有前世今生似曾相似的恋人那个芬兰的混血拉普人

也曾想将庞贝古城爱的刹那永恒
像火山爆发后
将时光用熔岩冻结
在法国南部海岸的601号公路找不到生命的出口

坐着从巴塞隆纳出发到伊比萨电音小岛的渡轮
忘了自我形体的彻夜的狂欢
只有当你迷失了
你才看到自己
恐惧及失去的梦
我想在米兰花下死却只能最后空虚而归
满州里
南丫岛
还有保加利亚
斯洛伐克
我只看到欲望激情
德国柏林的化妆师
她那满是红灯笼的房间
喝着解酒的茉莉花茶
她爱东方她不见得真爱我
有一个千年前蒙古西征留在黑海旁的子孙

在莫斯科舞厅告诉我
他好像他的祖先引诱着突厥士兵一般地告诉我
沿着基辅往南走到了黑海边
你就到了奥德塞
那里美女像上岸产卵的螃蟹一样多
这么多的夜晚喃喃自语
天涯到海角的追逐
这么多的体会
但我还是拼不回破碎的我
我变的更多了
追寻只有婴儿及疯子可以感受的幸福
甚至对善良风俗挑衅
开始对小孩子时期无秩序无爱情无烦恼的怀念

透过肉体蛮横的规律冲动及万里长征的旅游劳动

想夺回长期被渴望爱情

但每次变理性的一秒后

只用本能的释放生命能量激情
好像困兽犹斗下睿智少年的感情自宫
最终失去眼球的眼依然流出热泪
不得不承认
人注定是会被老庄嘲讽的井底之蛙
每次以为看开了
解脱了
以为深潜在海中了
其实根本只在河畔沾湿了衣裳
内心仍然隐藏着无法感光的黑暗
我想追寻那好像永恒的大幸福
却又舍不得每次的小幸福
终于连小幸福也渐渐消失了
渐渐
我越来越痛苦
渐渐
我变成更破碎的我
过去的我
小时候的我
以后的我
将来的我
似乎都连不在一起
每个我都是碎的
我的世界好像真的毁了
我再也找不到爱了
突然奇迹般的有一天
就在我最颓丧的时候
走了千万里路
到了格陵兰一路里沙特的冰山
那不食人间烟火美如天仙的梦幻灵山

终于让我依稀找回了青春期初恋及理想
我似乎感觉到远方有一面旗在召唤着我

似乎是我的灵魂在摇着一面旗
在远远的海中
大海里面
它在对我召唤
它好像在跟我说
蝴蝶来吧
这里才是你飞的世界
不要在水上飞了
下到海里来
这里是你的世界
你要知道
在海里头你可以飞得更好
你可以飞得更深
你可以感觉到你在天空时
无法得到的那种解放
这里才是你永远的归宿
终于我下定决心斩断我曾经待过的小天空
小湖泊
我抛弃掉这些依恋
这些舍不得
奔向最后能让我安居的幸福
小时候曾经拥有的无拘无束的幸福
大海
那才是我该去的地方
那才是我体验永恒快乐的地方
我依稀触摸到那只无形大象的毛边
我又再度感受到母体子宫羊水中的温暖
痛苦自虐
贫困快乐富有
性压抑性满足
不管哪一种
只要是有自尊能自傲的活着
都是一种幸福
亚里士多德无情的说
我爱我师
我更爱真理
又深情的留下一个遗嘱
要求将他埋葬在妻子坟边
我说
凡人最爱的还是爱人亲人
在凡人的世界
真理最后总是在爱与亲情前低头
格陵兰冰山
沉默看着我
无言的描述
那个小时候什么都爱我的我
那个小时候初恋的我
那个小时候不会说我小时候的我
那个我还在我心中吗
那个我曾经离开过我吗
是我抛弃他还是他抛弃我
也许我们从来没有分开过
也许他只是不想出现在他不喜欢的成熟世界

那个我像神一样
有不同于人间的爱
有不同于人性自私的爱
有不同于所有男人所有女人的爱
那是什么样的爱
像神一般的爱
不求得到只有付出的爱
人间有吗
我有吗
我真的无怨无悔爱过吗
我真的爱过吗
我真的被爱过吗

Divine Comedy

Divine Comedy

The stop before Jinhua Junior High on Xinsheng South Road, Taipei City

The O-South bus to Yonghe Nanshijiao
Filled with a 16-year-old boy from National Taiwan Normal University Affiliated Senior High School's first love for a girl from Jinhua Junior High

There was never a purer love in life than this
Even though she made me neglect my studies before the college entrance exam

At eighteen, a mountain climbing social event between Taipei Medical College and National Taiwan Normal University's Chinese Department at Huangdidian

A key-throwing game to pair up boys and girls
We came together as if it were fate
But in the end, I, not loving her enough, wished her well with someone else

It's a pity I didn't know how to cherish love back then
At twenty-two
A strange fire ignited for a classmate I hadn't felt anything for in five years

After she went abroad, I was always hanging out in dance halls
She went to faraway Atlanta
My restless youth unknowingly cut the thread with her

Later, I opened a clinic on Anju Street, Liuzhangli, Heping East Road

Lost in life's direction
I danced every night until six in the morning

Then I met the conductor of the Zhongshan Girls High School Choir
She gave me solace at Abbey Road Studios in England
She also made me shed tears of love for the first time in Pittsburgh
Heartbroken, I went to Bird Island by Qinghai Lake
After vomiting from altitude sickness and drunkenness
I cried hoarsely for several nights
Until I saw the innocent and beautiful face of a Tibetan girl in Lhasa
Later, I returned to Taiwan
And never saw her again
In a long period of emotional emptiness
I once wandered into Beijing's Hundred Flowers Deep
She was an innocent flower bud
Walking her and her bicycle back to her home
I still remember her shy face
Perhaps that feeling was my final farewell to the pure love of my student days

The girl Han brought
Once said she loved me and wanted to be my wife
But in the end, she betrayed me and went to a southern island
But I no longer blame her for once humiliating me
Almost destroying me
I don't know why
She, who came from Quebec, Canada
Would plant the seeds of love with me by Lake Baikal
Across the Trans-Siberian Railway
I don't know why
Until I saw her at the Greyhound bus station
Waiting for me foolishly in the snow
The first night in Montreal, minus ten degrees, with fresh snow
A large French house with many men and women living separately
I moved into the room facing the street
Frozen window
Starry sky, very dark, very blue
She crawled into my bed
But in the end, it was the girl I knew when she was at Ren'ai Junior High

Who made me give up on eternal, unchanging love at the age of forty-one

Still immature at this age
Will I never mature in this life?
I've also thought
Am I really old?
Tired?
No longer youthful and excited?
Why does passion boil in my chest
Even more than when I first fell in love at sixteen
Am I still waiting and searching
For the one among billions who might love me forever

Knowing that hope is fading
Yet longing more and more
I am broken
Afterwards
I also had a lover who seemed like a past life, a Finnish-Lapp hybrid

I also wanted to make the moment of love in Pompeii eternal
Like after a volcanic eruption
Freezing time with lava
Couldn't find the exit of life on Route 601 on the southern coast of France

On the ferry from Barcelona to the electronic music island of Ibiza
A night of revelry forgetting my own body
Only when you are lost
Do you see yourself
Fear and lost dreams
I wanted to die under the Milan flowers, but in the end, I could only return empty
Manzhouli
Lamma Island
And Bulgaria
Slovakia
I only saw desire and passion
The makeup artist in Berlin, Germany
Her room filled with red lanterns
Drinking jasmine tea to sober up
She loves the East, but she may not truly love me
A descendant of the Mongols who stayed by the Black Sea after the Western Expedition a thousand years ago

Told me in a Moscow dance hall
Like his ancestors seducing Turkic soldiers, he told me
Follow Kiev south to the Black Sea
And you'll reach Odessa
Where beautiful women are as numerous as crabs coming ashore to lay eggs
So many nights of muttering to myself
Chasing from horizon to horizon
So many experiences
But I still can't piece together my broken self
I've become more
Seeking the happiness that only babies and madmen can feel
Even defying kindness and customs
Beginning to miss the orderless, loveless, and carefree days of childhood

Through the brutal regularity of the flesh, impulses, and long journeys of travel and labor

Trying to reclaim the long-desired love

But every time I become rational for a second

I only release the energy and passion of life instinctively
Like a trapped beast fighting, a wise young man's emotional self-castration
In the end, hot tears still flow from eyes that have lost their eyeballs
I have to admit
People are destined to be the frogs at the bottom of the well that Laozi and Zhuangzi mocked
Every time I think I've seen through it
Let go
Thinking I've dived deep into the sea
In reality, I've only wet my clothes by the riverbank
There is still darkness hidden within that cannot sense light
I want to pursue that eternal great happiness
Yet I can't bear to part with each small happiness
Finally, even the small happiness gradually disappears
Gradually
I become more and more pained
Gradually
I become a more broken me
The past me
The me of my childhood
The future me
The me that is to come
They all seem disconnected
Every me is shattered
My world seems truly destroyed
I can no longer find love
Suddenly, miraculously one day
Just when I was at my most dejected
After walking thousands of miles
I arrived at the iceberg of Ilulissat in Greenland
That ethereal, fairy-like dream mountain untouched by the world

Finally allowed me to faintly recover the first love and ideals of my youth
I seem to feel a flag calling me in the distance

It seems like my soul is waving a flag
In the distant sea
Inside the vast ocean
It's calling to me
It seems to be saying to me
Butterfly, come
This is the world where you should fly
Don't fly on the water anymore
Come down to the sea
This is your world
You should know
You can fly better in the sea
You can fly deeper
You can feel the liberation
That you couldn't get when you were in the sky
This is your forever home
Finally, I decided to cut off the small sky I used to be in
The small lake
I abandon these attachments
These reluctances
And run towards the happiness that can finally give me peace
The unrestrained happiness I had as a child
The sea
That's where I should go
That's where I experience eternal joy
I vaguely touch the edge of that invisible elephant's fur
I feel the warmth of the amniotic fluid in my mother's womb again
Pain and self-torture
Poverty, happiness, and wealth
Sexual repression and sexual satisfaction
No matter what it is
As long as one lives with self-respect and pride
It is a kind of happiness
Aristotle ruthlessly said
I love my teacher
But I love the truth even more
And left a sentimental will
Asking to be buried next to his wife's grave
I say
Mortals love their loved ones and relatives the most
In the world of mortals
Truth always bows its head before love and family in the end
The Greenland iceberg
Silently watches me
Wordlessly describes
The me who loved everything as a child
The me who experienced first love as a child
The me who couldn't say "I was a child" as a child
Is that me still in my heart?
Did that me ever leave me?
Did I abandon him or did he abandon me?
Perhaps we were never apart
Perhaps he just doesn't want to appear in the mature world he dislikes

That me is like a god
With a love different from the human world
With a love different from human selfishness
With a love different from all men and all women
What kind of love is that?
A love like that of a god
A love that doesn't seek to receive but only to give
Does it exist in the human world?
Do I have it?
Have I truly loved without regrets?
Have I truly loved?
Have I truly been loved?