Текст песни и перевод на английский Anri Kumaki - 長い話

長い話

17歳のころは 流行りに身をあずけて
クラブや朝帰りも親の知らないこと
いつも家に帰ると
母は泣きながら
「そんなに家が嫌いか」と
裏返った声で言った
ノートの一番最後のページに書いた
将来の夢も浅はかなものでした
18になったころは 恋に恋をして
ままごとの様な暮らしにうぬぼれていた
2つ年上の彼は
口グセのように
「そんなに家族が好きか」と
わからないことを言った
財布の中身と終電が終わっても
引き止めてくる彼が好きで別れた
19歳のころは 自分を知ることと
夢を結んでくれた歌に出会った
父は嬉しそうだった
ギターで歌ってた
それまでにいない家族が
増えたような気がした
三度のメシより好きかと聞かれて
画家を目指したことはお蔵入りになった
20歳になったころは やけに悲観的で
それがいい事だと勘違いをした
歌うことがそれほど
大事じゃなく思えた
何を言ってみても
うすっぺらで嫌だった
ぶつかる前に人を遠ざけてた
嘘で始めた笑顔がいつのまにかしみついた
21になったころは 人が悲しかった
どこで覚えてきたのか やり過ごし方を知ってた
それでも涙が出る
自分が好きだった
右手でふかしている
タバコは消せなかった
黒い服ばかり好んで着てた
だれのようにもなりたくなかった
22になってみても それほど変わることはなく
ひとつ変わったことと言えばタバコをやめた
強く思うことはとても難しくて
今もまだ自分を信じきれずにいる
なぜ生きてるの なぜ生きてゆくの
なにもないから なにかになりたい

A Long Story

When I was 17, I was infatuated with trends
Clubs and late nights, my parents didn't know
Whenever I returned home
My mother would cry
And say with a choked voice,
“Do you hate home that much?”
On the last page of my notebook
I wrote my shallow dreams
When I turned 18, I fell in love with love
And I was conceited about my pretend life
My boyfriend, two years my senior
Often said,
“Do you love your family that much?”
He spoke of things I did not understand
Even when my wallet was empty
And the last train had gone
I loved him for keeping me
When I was 19, I learned to know myself
And met songs that tied my dreams
My father was delighted
He sang with his guitar
I felt like I had more family than before
When asked if I loved it more than food
My aspiration to become a painter was shelved
As I turned 20, I became unjustifiably pessimistic
And mistook it for something good
Singing didn't seem like such
A big deal to me anymore
Everything I said
Felt superficial and I hated it
I pushed people away before they could get close
My feigned smile, started as a lie, somehow stuck
When I turned 21, people made me sad
I learned somewhere how to avoid
But still the tears would fall
I was fond of my own self
Smoldering in my right hand
I couldn't put out the cigarette
I only liked wearing black clothes
I didn't want to be like anyone else
Even when I turned 22, not much changed
One thing that did, though, was that I quit smoking
It's really hard to feel strongly
And even now, I still can't fully believe in myself
Why am I living? Why do I live?
Because I have nothing, I want to be something