Текст и перевод песни Ai Higuchi - 備忘録

備忘録

中学二年生の頃、変わったね、と言われて
いじめられてからもう10年以上経ちますが
事故だと言い張れない傷に今も
悩まされています
人に嫌われない術を身につけたかわりに
自分のことを嫌いになって
押し殺した感情腐らせても
捨てる場所はないのです
果てにたどり着いた処理場が「うた」でした

ちやほやされてできたものは19で消えた
身体切り刻んでできたものは今も宝石
天邪鬼でも高飛車でも好きになってくれた人
どうかどうか忘れないで

25になったら地元に帰ると言ったけど
帰るような勇気はありません
評論家 会社員 に並ぶような冠名の前に
自称とつく可能性の高さ
憧れは「pink」で描かれていた東京
染まれたら楽になれたでしょうか
「終電逃してタクシー」「有名人に会いました」
いつだって蚊帳の外 貯金なし恋人なし
なのになぜかどこか安定しています

ちやほやされてできたものにすがっている
超えていくと誓ったものに近付けている
なりたかった自分になれたくせに
嫌いになった
矛盾だけが 風を吹かせます

人生かけて愛した人がいました
裏切られてもなお愛していました
鉛筆で書いた文字を指でこするように
誤魔化し諦める方法を覚えていました
いつかのわたしが今のわたしを見たら
なんて言うでしょうか？
大人だって言うでしょうか？
好きになってくれた人しか
好きになれないのは
自分のこと好きになれないから

誰かと生きることを生きる意味にしてたんだ
理由つけてあきらめて自分騙してたんだ
なにも始めてない
なにもやり遂げてないよな
1人になって気付く
孤独と夢はいつも共にあった

ちやほやされてできたものは19で消えた
身体切り刻んでできたものは今も宝石
天邪鬼でも高飛車でも愛してくれた人
どうか元気でいてほしい

愛していたやりたかった居たかった
欲しかった待っていた夢だった
もう全部捨てた
全てを捨てたつもりで全てのおかげさま
背負わずとも背中を押す無数の手のひら
どうか自分よ 忘れるな
どうか自分よ 忘れるな

Memorandum

When I was in my second year of junior high, I was told I had changed,
It has been more than 10 years since I was bullied,
But I am still troubled by
The wounds that I cannot claim were accidents.
In exchange for learning how not to be disliked by people,
I grew to dislike myself,
And even if I suppress my emotions and let them rot,
There is no place to throw them away.
The processing plant that I finally discovered was "song."

The things created through flattery disappeared at 19,
The things created by cutting my body are still jewels.
My dear, even if I were a contrarian or arrogant, you loved me,
Please, please don't forget.

I said I would return to my hometown when I was 25,
But I don't have the courage to go back.
Before honorific titles such as "critic" or "office worker,"
There is a high probability that the self-proclaimed title
Of "pink" that I longed for was drawn in Tokyo,
Would I have been able to relax if I had been dyed?
Missed the last train and took a taxi," "I met a celebrity,"
I'm always on the outside looking in, no savings, no boyfriend,
But for some reason, I'm somehow stable.

I'm clinging to the things that were created through flattery,
I'm getting closer to the things I swore to surpass,
I've become the person I wanted to be, but
I hate it.
Only contradictions blow the wind.

There was someone I loved with all my heart,
I loved him even after he betrayed me.
Like erasing words written in pencil with my finger,
I had learned how to deceive and give up.
If the me from back then saw the me from now,
What would she say?
Would she say that I'm an adult?
The only people I can love
Are the people who love me,
Because I can't love myself.

I used to think that living with someone was the meaning of life,
I used to make excuses and give up, deceiving myself,
I haven't started anything,
I haven't accomplished anything, have I?
I realize when I'm alone
That solitude and dreams have always been together.

The things created through flattery disappeared at 19,
The things created by cutting my body are still jewels.
My dear, even if I were a contrarian or arrogant, you loved me,
Please be happy.

I loved you, I wanted to do it, I wanted to be there,
I wanted it, I waited for it, it was my dream,
I've thrown it all away now.
I thought I had thrown everything away, but it's all thanks to everything.
Countless palms push my back without carrying it.
Please, don't forget yourself.
Please, don't forget yourself.