Lyrics Three Minute Song - Wogan Version - Tim Minchin

My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Yeah, I've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time
Yeah, they rang me up, said "Tim, will you go on Terry's show?
They want you to sing a song; it'll be fine, fine, fine"
But the problem with my particular oeuvre
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
And the wisdom here at the BBC
Is that people switch off if you go past three
And a lot of my songs have a bit of blue language
Which causes producers untold anguish
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved
For all those pussy puns on 'Are You Being Served'.
And so I...
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no bums nor no blasphemy in it
A lovely little song specifically written
For the delicate skins of middle class Britain
I need a song with a chor us and a verse
Without no nasty a-cussing and a-cursing
I'm a little too lewd and a little too long
I gotta write myself a three minute song
And they said "Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking
It's simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking
Everybody loves a pianist but length must have a limit
So you
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no pornography or politics in it
You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong
You gotta find yourself a clean-living three minute song
Three hundred beats at a hundred beats a minute
With nice clean jokes and a hoe-down in it
Something you can guarantee will generate smiles
On the time-honoured dials of the Woganophiles"
And even in the bridge
I won't be lyrically adventurous
Conceptually offensious
Or racially contentious
And I won't make double entendres
At the expense of the Chinese
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees
For China
For China
For China
For China
For China is a country that will bring us to our knees
Two, three, fore skin
I need a little happy-clappy country song
Nice and repetitive and not too long
Boring enough but not too boring
With a key change here to prevent me snoring
I need a song that is only three minutes
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm
Well if you can't beat'em get conservative with 'em
I need a song that causes no offence
To flog more tickets to my concerts
By pretending for a while that satirical song
Hasn't moved on since Flanders and Swann
That comedy shouldn't have moved beyond the
Use of 'back door' as a double entendre
That issues of taste should be defined
By the comments page of 'The Mail Online'
'Cos I've got a show and I wanna get you in it
So don't touch your knob – ha ha ha –
I'll be done in three minutes.