Lyrics PERCEPTION CHECK - Tom Cardy

On the horizon of this forest path you see a group of dark-cloaked figures
Slowly trudging towards you, what do you do?
My half-orc barbarian braces her great hammer and–
That's a one
Critical fail, Steve what do you do?
Well, I believe in anticipation
My rogue would try and hide behind a tree–
Okay, I rolled a one
That's another critical fail

Tom what does your human bard do?
Active perception check
That's a natural 20
Let's fucking go

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
These motherfuckers mean to harm us and they got to go
So c'mon get 'em now
You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my tight crew, ooh, ooh
There's no escaping it, I can perceive you
Here's what we're gonna do

Me and my boys are gonna mess you up
I rolled a one (I rolled a one)
Fuck
My boys are otherwise engaged
So I'm gonna bring it all myself

Hey, I forgot You're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
Yes, thank you, let's just slow it all down a bit
So you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter–
I cast vicious mockery
Nat 20, let's go

You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you
Short!
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
And when you were born everybody thought that you were just a head
But then the doctor said "Wait
This stupid motherfucking tiny short-arse baby
Got a tiny little itty-bitty body And I hate it"

Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure
Perception check, please
Nat 20, let's go
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a child (it's always a kid)
Specifically, the child you've been looking for, for the last 15 days game-time
And five days of our actual lives
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better

Fuck, his body's just lying there, right?
Right?
Yes (don't)

Loot that body (gotta loot that body, now)
Loot that body (gotta loot that motherfucker)
Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
Bitch