Lyrics Intro / Better Off Without A Wife - Tom Waits

For all the bachelors out there tonight
Yeah, for anybody who's never whistled this song

Remember you whistled it but you lost the sheet music!
This is... But actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything
As long as it's not my own
I show up but I've always kinda been partial
To calling myself up on the phone
And asking myself out, ya know?

Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh?
Yeah, one thing about it - you're always around!
Yeah, I know
Yeah, you ask yourself out, you know
Some classy joint somewhere
Burrito King or something...
Well, I ain't cheap, ya know
Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe
You know, then you'd be some provocative conversation on the way home
And park in front of the house, ya know

Aw yeah, you're smooth
You put a little nice music on
Maybe you put on like, you know, like shopping music
Something that's not too interruptive, ya know
And slide over real nice
And say, "Ooh, I think you have something in your eye"
Well, maybe it's not that romantic with you
But Christ, get into it, ya know
Take myself up to the porch
Take myself inside
"Or maybe I'll make you a little something
In a brandy snifter or something"
"Would you like to listen to some of
My back records? I got something here..."

Well, usually by 2: 30 in the morning
You've ended up taking advantage of yourself
And there ain't no way around that, ya know!
Makin' a scene with a magazine
Ain't no way around it
I'll confess, ya know
I'm no different, ya know
I'm not weird about it or anything
I don't tie myself up first!
I just kind of spend a little time with myself