If Only

Radio Announcer: And now here is the news. The death has occurred at
His home in Venice of Sir Frederick Snoane, the well-known libertine
Woman: Oh dear!
Radio Announcer: He was a hundred and seven
Woman: Poor old fellow! In Venice, too!
Radio Announcer: And now tomorrow's weather
Woman: Already? I can't cope with it!
Radio Announcer: Over most parts of England and Wales
It'll be fine and sunny, with temperatures in the seventies
Woman: It's a sad world
Radio Announcer: Further outlook continuing fine, warm and sunny
Woman: This hot weather will be the death of
Fat old people who live at the top of the hills
Radio Announcer: And now morning music on gramophone records
Woman: I can't bear to think of them all struggling up the slope
Arthur: Music, music all the time! Have you
Nothing better to do than listen to the wireless?
Woman: Not that I can remember. And
What have you been doing with yourself?
Arthur: Oh, I just wandered down to the pillar box
Woman: That's nice
Arthur: I like to go down there every now and then and look at
The collection. It makes a gay splash with the blue uniforms
Woman: And the ceremony
Arthur: And the ceremony
Woman: It's a busy life. Cup of tea, dear?
Arthur: Well, that'd be nice I suppose
Woman: Nothing nicer than a nice cup of tea in this house
Arthur: I wish I'd had the opportunities other men have had
Woman: You haven't had the opportunities
Arthur: If only I'd been born in Shropshire
Woman: Shropshire, ah yes
Arthur: Eh? I could have set up business there
Woman: There's plenty of rich men in
Shropshire. You never got the breaks
Arthur: I often think I might have
Done better if I'd kept off the milk
Woman: The milk
Arthur: Sid kept off the milk and he's doing all right, isn't he?
Woman: It's the milk that kept you back. You'd have been a force
In the land without the milk. It's all pasteurized these days
Arthur: And bottled
Woman: And frozen
Arthur: And tinned. I wish I'd given it a miss
Woman: Luck's been against us
Arthur: If only I'd had wings, I might have got about a bit more
Woman: Wings would have helped you to see the world. Still, it's
A busy life. There's plenty to be done. First thing in the
Morning there's your teeth, right away there's your teeth to see to
Arthur: Then there's the laces
Woman: The laces
Arthur: After the teeth I sets about the laces
Woman: The laces
Arthur: Threading them through as best I may
Woman: Threading
Arthur: And then there's the actual tying
Woman: Tying
Arthur: Gathering the two threads together into a knot
Woman: A knot
Arthur: It all takes time
Woman: Time! And then there's always the garden to sit
In. There's plenty to be done. It's been a rich life
Arthur: If only I'd been born with more flesh on me, I might have done
Better. I might have got that job as the fattest man in the world
Woman: You nearly got it as it was. All you lacked was the build
Arthur: No, I hadn't the flesh. People
Want to see great mounds of the stuff
Woman: Mounds
Arthur: All quivering on you
Woman: Quivering
Arthur: That's what held me back. I lacked the flesh
Woman: You were the thinnest, fattest man in the
World in the business. But you were well liked
Arthur: I hadn't the flesh!
Woman: Fate was against you!
Arthur: And then there's my name
Woman: Your name
Arthur: If only I'd had a good name, I might have made a name for
Myself. Oh, it's what you need in show business, a glamorous name
Woman: Name
Arthur: If only I'd been called something
Like, oh, like uh, like Arthur Grangely
Woman: Arthur Grangely
Arthur: Can't you see that up in lights?
Woman: Lights
Arthur: Come and see Arthur Grangely
Woman: Grangely
Arthur: The fattest man in all the world
Woman: Fattest
Arthur: I'd have got to the top with a name like
That, if only I'd been called Arthur Grangely
Woman: Arthur Grangely! You are called Arthur Grangely
Arthur: That's what held me back