Garcia's Letter

Alright so this next piece it isn't a song
Or poetry or prose like the others
Rather this is a monologue that I prepared for a show
I didn't get a chance to perform it
But it's all good you know
Things happened life happened
Umm and so I'm a little bit nervous
About performing this one
Because I haven't shared this with anybody
But myself and two of my friends
So just sit tight it's gonna be a long one
But buckle up and enjoy the ride
Let's go

I remember our first date clearly
I met you at this Applebee's on the other side of town
And I was so nervous I even texted my friend saying
Oh my god he is so cute
You know and I never would've guessed
That we'd eventually get to call it our Applebee's you know
And I mean that's not you know
I don't think that's major but it
It meant something to me
I remember we talked so much that
The waitress had to come by and tell us
It was closing time You told me
You were an architect and how one day
You'd like to teach at your former college
And I told you about my grad school days in New York
And then you reminisced about your family
Who lived close to the big city
And then somewhere in our wandering
We connected on a documentary about
Fonts typefaces and graphic design You remember that
Yo no lie I fell in love with that documentary after that night
I kid you not

So anyway, umm, we finally decided to wrap it up
And then I walked you to your car and
As we said our goodbyes our lips introduced themselves
And made love with each other I remember how cool your
Breath felt from the iced water you drank
And the memory of my old flame vanished
Into smoke and nothingness and so I sat in my car
And sent you a message saying I was hoping
You would come back so I could kiss you again
You know and we made up for it on our second date
When we made out passionately in my car
For God knows how long so after a few more dates
Some bedroom rendezvous and a few mixed signals later
I found myself caring for the friendship really caring for it
But fuck it I'll just be honest the truth is
I buried so many feelings away in Pandora's box
Waiting for the day I could unlock it

You see what I put in that treasure chest was
A lot of thoughts and feelings
Thoughts of, of loving you into the next lifetime
Of how I wanted our lips to speak love languages
As we danced bachata until our hips were too tired to move
Thoughts of wishing upon the star in the sky that is you
Feelings that bubbled over into my actions and my words
Where I envied the sunlight that kissed your cheek before
I could as it peeked through the window
Feelings so electric they were cleared to jump start my heart
Of a love so deep that our ancestors could feel it
So potent I saw the rest of my centuries
When I stared into your eyes
Where your voice would be my guide to shore
I felt you change the warmth of my blood and
The structure of my bones with a fire that burned
Hotter than a flame on a wick that made candle wax
Accidentally touch fingertips a love that gave birth to songs
That I haven't even sang yet
A love so sure of itself
I just knew I'd introduce you to my mama

I never told you how much I loved you
You know and I and I patiently waited to tell you these things
I just... I never had the chance
You know and, and I sat with these fantasies as I listened to
Your countless stories of the men you've slept with
Jealous that they've had you in ways I only dreamt of
And then one night over dinner I built up the courage
To ask you a question, a question I rearranged and reworded
For a long time I asked you why did I never get a chance
You remember that And you said I don't want to fuck things up

I still don't know what you meant by that
'Cause see in the moments when you entered those men
And when they've entered inside you, you told me, somehow
I'm the one that's inside your head, And you told me
You told me you've imagined me as you experienced them
As you savored their flesh
You're reminded of a taste that I've given you
But see what doesn't make sense to me is that
I've never had your body in those ways
So how is it that I flood your thoughts as you feast on pleasure
But when you've gotten your fill those thoughts run dry
How do you call to me near your climax
But you don't call to check on me?
Why do you tell your parents about me
When I'm the one you barely even talk to?
How do you want me in your imagination
But you've never let that desire escape your mouth
How can you be scared to fuck things up
But be brave enough to say you thought of me
When another man was fucking you
Do you want me or not

You gon' have to do the hardest thing you've ever had to do
And that's be honest with yourself and be honest with me
And if you haven't learned by now
Fuckin' up is in the terms and conditions of love
And as much as you didn't want to ruin what we had
Look at us now, this
This, this is how you fuck things up
I gave you things I would never get back
My time and my energy I happily supplied
And even as our friendship slowly withered away
I watered that dying grass until my well ran dry
Dammit I loved you so much
I loved you more than any other man could ever dream to do
And I watched you love and make love to other men
Right in front of me
Wishing to be the one to receive those gifts

I drive by that side of town and remember that
Applebee's isn't there anymore
You know is it comedy or cruelty that when you left my life
You took everything with you
Everything except these feelings
You said you didn't want to lose me
But look at what you did
I tried so hard to keep this ship afloat
I begged you to communicate with me
And I pleaded with you to let me help
Lift the world from your back
And even if I couldn't be your lover
At the very least I could be your friend
But maybe you didn't want that either

And so here I am writing letters to eyes
That'll never read them and singing songs
To ears that'll never hear them
You know, and I'll admit I probably wanted too much
Maybe I tried to plant seeds in ground that wasn't fertile
And maybe I kept running while you decided
Our time ran its course
And maybe I'm still lying to myself thinking everything's alright
And maybe, maybe I just can't accept you being with men
Who ain't even half of me
And maybe I'm still dealing with the shit that you left me with
And maybe I still want you as bad as I want air in my lungs
Or as bad as that iced water you drank all those years ago
So you can quench my thirst
Quench my thirst man
You know I still love you and I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why I still love you
And even after all this time
All this time and had to go through all of this
I'm still sitting here figuring this shit out all on my own
Damn man, damn