Doc's Talking Blues

I've got a little tale I'd like to tell to you
Fun and foolishness and some of it's true
There's some of it bad and some of it nice
And there's a little of it just plain old advice
That is to you young'uns that's a-thinking about getting married
You can take some advice from an old hand
'Cause I jumped the broomstick a long time ago

I got in awful late the other night
Me and my wife had the dernedest fight
She pulled my hair and then mashed my nose
Kicked my shins and stomped my toes
That woman was mad at me
Trouble of it was she waited 'til I got
My shoes off before she started anything
You know that ingrown toenail still hurts

I was a-going down the road in my Model T
When a big chicken got in front of me
I'd kill that rooster right there on the spot

And I figured well that's the only one the old man's got
So I'd better go back and see about it
I drove right up to the edge of his yard
He's a-choppin' wood, a-working awful hard

I looked the old man right square in the face
And I says sir your rooster I'd like to replace
And he looked at me kinda puzzled for a minute and said
Son, start crowing

I was a-pulling up turnips down on my knees
When I stirred up a nest of some kind of bees
And about three dozen got in my pants
And it wasn't very long 'til I began to dance
I was a-doin' the shimmy and the shake at the same time
You know that's nearly enough to make
A feller run off and leave his britches
And that's just what I done
Couldn't help it

I was standing in the corner by the mantelpiece
And right over my head sat a bottle of grease
I greased my feet with some of that grease
And went slipping along under that mantelpiece
Hunting cigarette duds, I wanted to do the job quick
Found some birch toothbrushes but the girls had dipped all the snuff
There wasn't a swipe left

Make up the beds gals, make 'em up nice
That Doc and Bill Monroe they're coming here tonight
They love chicken
They love pie
Don't tell their wives but we like the sisters too

I went down to the hen house to look for an egg
And I heard an old rooster shaking a leg
He's a-giving big orders to them hens upstairs
A-strutting around and a-putting on airs
Them hens is a-singin'
That rooster was kinda preachin'
He was a-bossing that place pretty well
For when he took up a collection they paid off in eggs
I think I'll keep that rooster

I was a-sitting in the woods on a great big log
My finger on the trigger and my eye on a hog
This is before they had the stock law, you know
Pulled the trigger and the gun said zip
And I jumped on the hog with all my grip
The thing misfired
I could see the notches in his ears
Where I'd branded him when he was a pig
But I'll tell you he was wilder than a jack rabbit
But he is fast

There's a squirrel a-gnawing on a hickory nut
You oughta hear that rascal cut
I fired that gun and it made a big bang
The thing kicked me down and I couldn't see a thing
Danged near broke my shoulder
Worst part of it was
I missed my squirrel