Bosom Buddies

We'll always be bosom buddies
Friends, sisters and pals
We'll always be bosom buddies
If life should reject you
There's me to protect you
If I say that your tongue is vicious
If I call you uncouth
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and tell you the truth?

Though now and again I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting
Though often my frank observations might scald
I've been meaning to tell you for years
You should keep your hair natural like mine

If I kept my hair natural like yours
I'd be bald

But darling

We'll always be dear companions

My crony

My mate

We'll always be harmonizing

Orphan Annie and Sandy

Like Amos and Andy

If I say that your sense of style's
As far off as your youth
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and tell you the truth?

Each time that a critic has written
"Your voice is the voice of a frog"
Straight to your side to defend you I rush
You know that I'm there every time the world makes an unkind remark
When they say Alice Ripley's the world's greatest lush
It hurts me

And if I say your fangs are showing
Skinner, pull in your claws
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will show you the obvious flaws?

Ow
I feel it's my duty to tell you it's time to adjust to your age
You try to be Peck O' My Heart when you're Lady Macbeth
Exactly how old are you Alice Ripley, the truth?

How old do you think?

I'd say somewhere in between forty and death

But sweetie

I'll always be Alice Toklas
If you'll be Gertrude Stein
And though I'll admit I've dissed you
I've gossiped and gloated
But I'm so devoted

And if I say that sex and guts
Made you into a star
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will show you how rotten you are?

Just turn to your bosom buddy
For aid and affection
For help and direction
For loyalty, love and forsooth
Remember that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and level
And give you the devil
Will sit down and tell you the truth?