One Leg Too Few

Good morning, my dear. Who's first on the list, then?
There's a Mr. Spiggot to see you
Alright, my dear, show him in, will you, show him in. And did
You get that 10% from Aida Bloomer? Get that money, you know
We're not getting her work for nothing. Ah, Mr. Spiggot, I believe?
Spiggot's the name

Ah, yes, now you are auditioning for the role of Tarzan?
Yes

Oh, well, I couldn't help noticing almost immediately
Mr. Spiggot, that you are a one-legged man
Oh, you noticed?
Oh, yes, when you've been in the trade as long as I
Have, you do notice these things almost instinctively
I see

But you are auditioning for the role of Tarzan?
That is so
A role which traditionally involves the use of a two-legged actor
Definitely
But you, a one-legged man, a uni-dexter, are applying for the role?
Yes

A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement
Yes

Well, Mr. Spiggot, need I point out to you where your
Deficiency lies with regard to your landing this vital role?
Well, I think you ought to

Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it's
In the leg division you are deficient?
Yes

It's in the leg division, Mr. Spiggot, your division
Oh, I see, the leg division
Yes. Your right leg I like. It's an ideal leg for the role
I've nothing against your right leg. The trouble is
Neither have you. No, it's your left leg you fall down on

Oh, you mean it's inadequate?
It is, Mr. Spiggot. The public's not yet ready for the
Sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the
Undergrowth. We don't go in for that kind of sick humor here
I see

But don't despair, Mr. Spiggot. After all, you score over a
Man with no legs. You've a definite advantage over a man with
No legs at all. In fact, if a legless man was to come in here
I'd have no hesitation in saying to him, "Get out, run away!"
So there's still a chance?
There is a very, very good chance
I've always fancied the role
Oh, yes. If we don't get any two-legged actors in here in the next two
Weeks, you're exactly the sort of chap we should be trying to contact
I see

So my advice to you, Mr. Spiggot, is go home. Hop on a bus
That's right. Thank you very much for coming, Mr. Spiggot. Bye-bye

There's a Mr. Stanger to see you now
Mr. Stanger? Oh, yes, my dear, show him in
Show him in. Ah, Mr. Stanger, I believe?
That's right
Now, you are auditioning for the role of Long John Silver?