Therapy

I think my brain is broken
At some point as a child I developed a need to please those around me
Some how I drew the conclusion that happiness was found in servicing other people
Being what ever-whoever they needed in that moment
Making them happy was the only way for me to be happy
Or maybe it was to make me feel better about not feeling happy
Eventually it morphed and mutated into being the only thing I knew how to do
All of the things I did for other people
I was lost on how to do them for myself
I have found that I don't know who I am outside of being something for other people

I think my brain is broken
Self love will always be runner up to you
Because most days
Loving you is the only time
I can put my love to good use

I think my brain is broken
I don't know how to stop empathizing with my abusers
I want to believe in people, in society, in human kind
So much so that I pass out second chances like their infectious diseases:
Second chances become third chances
Third chances becomes too many chances to keep count of
Until I've conditioned myself to excuse bad behavior
And expect disappointment from those I enable to hurt me emotionally
I think my brain is broken
There was a time in my life when I didn't deserve another a second chance, so
Why would I deny that to which didn't deserve it yesterday
But needed it today
To prove they deserve it tomorrow

I think my brain is broken
I find comfort in feeling uncomfortable
I expect trauma, I have found it to be unavoidable
It took me a long time to realize that that wasn't what normal was supposed to feel like
I was told it was taboo to speak up for yourself and fight for a better life
For better standards of a good life
Wait, I told me that

I think my brain is broken
Self sabotage is common when your conditioned to expect it
Might as well stop, don't you know you'll regret it
I think my brain is broken
I come to conclusions before I've even fully formed the reasoning in my head
My brain is working so fast it only processes partial information and ignores the rest
I can't focus
Or maintain a drive for my passions.
I want to do everything
Yet I'm drowning in self doubt and neurotic behavior too often to get anything done

I think my brain is broken
Being adhd is a conundrum when your entire world is an attention seeking trap
Somehow I became to focused on myself
To matter to myself

I think my brain is broken
Like a wilted wallflower
I accept the love that I think I deserve
And I don't think highly of myself
I want to think highly of myself
And live up to those expectations that I've set for my future
But I don't know how to get there
I don't know how to convince my brain that I deserve better
From myself and those I surround myself with

I think my brain is broken
I was taught a love unconventional because it was never taught consensually
A love built in fear will be a toxic one eventually

I think my brain is broken
I feel like I have no control
Or maybe I don't want to have control
Because with control comes responsibility
Responsibility means potential failure
And failure means disappointing those who do support and care for me and that's never been an option-
Yet it's the only thing I seem to know how to do
Avoidance is easier
It keeps me from setting expectations just to never meet them
Like a fucking coward
I'm not happy with how comfortable I've become with being a coward

My brain is broken
But I'm trying to mend it