Die Vampire, Die!

There are some people in the world who say that writing stories,
Or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them.
Nothing interferes with their ability to create.
While I celebrate their creative freedom,
A little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth.
This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y′all.
We'll sing backup
You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer.
Old sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, but you′re lazy like an old French whore
Je suis whore
You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake
But you best grab a stake, cause,
In sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires,
Filling you with doubt. Insecurity, 'bout what you art should be
In sweep the vampires
Die vampire
You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV
Tippy Turtle!
But your fourth grade teacher said
You can't draw
Aww, those vampires just won′t let you be
Fuck you Ms. Johnson, Word!
And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing.
In swoosh
Ooh, the vampires
In a whoosh
Ooh, the vampires,
Babaganoosh
Ooh, all the vampires
Filling you with thoughts of
Self consciousness
Feelings of
Worthlessness
They′ll make you
Second guess
Die vampire!
There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide,
It helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!
Listen closely,
A vampire is any person or thought or feeling
That stands between you and your creative self expression,
But they can assume many seductive forms.
Here's a few of them!
Tell us Susan!
First up are you pigmy vampires.
They′ll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:
Your teeth need whitening
You went to state school?
You sound weird
Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris
Did it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannot
Sing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say:
Ooh, your song's derivative,
Ooh, your song′s derivative,
Ooh, your song's derivative,
To keep that song from you! Just tell them:
Die vampire, die!
Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire,
She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny.
She smells something unpleasant in what you′re creating.
She'll urge you to:
(Spraying sound)
It with some pine fresh smell 'em ups.
The air freshener vampire doesn′t want you to write about
Bad language, blood, or blow jobs
She wants you to clean it up and clean it out.
Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless
But, you′ll be left with two tight paragraphs,
All kittens that your grandma would be so proud of.
You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin' face and you say
Morte Vampir Morte
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It′ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Who do you think you're kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you′ll never be good enough
Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
And said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole,
But if the vampire inside my head says it,
It′s the voice of reason.
You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!
Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea
Fuckin' break it, go on drive a stake in,
Yeah there's no mistaking, now you′re shake and bakin?
Die, vampire
I said, ′Die, vampire'
I said, ′Now die vam-pi-re, die!'
In fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires,
Filling you with life, creativity, all that you heart should be, out go the vampires
Die vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die!