William Tell Overture

It's a beautiful day for the race
Stooge Hand is the favorite today
Assault is in there
Dog Biscuit is three to one
Safety Pin has been scratched
And at twenty to one, Beetlebaum

Now the horses are approaching the starting gate
And there they go!
And it's Stooge Hand going to the front
Cabbage is second on the rail
Beautiful Linda is third by a length
And Beetlebaum

Around the first turn
Stooge Hand is still in front
Cabbage is second by a head
Cabbage by a head!
Beautiful Linda is third
And Beetlebaum

Into the back stretch
Dog Biscuit is now leading the pack
Lady Evelyn is second, very close
Banana is coming up through the bunch
Banana coming up through the bunch!
And Beetlebaum

At the half, Stooge Hand still out in front
Apartment House is second with plenty of room
Assault is passing Battery
Assault and Battery!
Notary, so Jack is fourth
And in last place by ten lengths
I believe it is, yes it is, Beetlebaum

Around the turn, heading for home
It's Stooge Hand and Dog Biscuit and Girdle in the stretch
Flying Sylvester is third
And Mother-In-Law nagging in the rear
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

And now they come down to the wire
And it's number one and now number two
And it's very close, it'll either be a photo finish or an oil painting
And now Louis leads with the left
And Louis is in there slugging
And it's a battle
And now they're tearing hair
There's hair all over the ring
There's hair all over the place
I don't know whose hair it is

It's mine

And there goes the winner!
Beetlebaum