Lyrics In Our Haunted House - Andrew Gold

Mwahahahahaha! Welcome, boys... Come right in.
(Screaming)
Please come in, you're welcome here
Mind the cobwebs and the bones
May we invite you to spend the night?
Make yourself at home
Step this way, here's the living room
(Though "dead" room is more correct)
'Cause there hasn't been a living soul here
Since grandpa broke his neck
In our haunted house
We'll treat you like one of us
But in our haunted house
That could be hazardous
Browse around the kitchen,
Have a spoon or a knife (?)
You must excuse those "ketchup" stains...
We ate someone last night
Here is your big bedroom, dears
(You'll love the creaky bed!)
You'll sleep just fine, but when you wake
You still may feel half dead
In our haunted house
The mother is a ghost
The upstairs maid's been buried for years
And the chauffeur's comatose!
In our haunted house
Our hospitality is something of which we're very proud
(Oh! Do you take poison in your tea?)
Don't let the spider webs mess up your hair
Don't mind the piano playing with no one there
The crumbling bookshelves covered with dust
One or two headless bodies, what's all the fuss?
The dreadful pounding, the screams and moans
It's just a typical night at home...
(In our haunted house! Things come through the walls!
You might see sights that chill the soul! Be sure to wear a shawl!)
(We'd love you! Do come in! Stay a while and play...)
(Once you finally settle in, you'll never go away!)
(We'll make sure of that...)
(Evil laughter)
In our haunted house
(Screams)
In our haunted house
In our haunted house...
In our haunted house...
In our haunted house...
Our haunted house...
In our haunted house...
(Fades out)