Patterns

Patterns in my life that I trace every day
Patterns as I say the things I always say
Patterns in the ceiling as I lie awake
Why are patterns haunting every move I make?

Just look, here I am on cue, again
Upset, feeling torn in two, again
Afraid, saying I'm okay
Making little jokes
'Til I run away, again

And yet today, I am not the same
I feel my life slipping from its frame
Strange feelings rise, feelings with no name
And I can't face them, so I shake them hard
Fold them up
And tuck them safely away
Again

Patterns that begin as I walk through a door
Patterns in the curtains, and the kitchen floor
Patterns in the day's routines I must arrange
Patterns in the ways I try, but never change

Just look, as I'm thrown a curve, again
I leap, then I lose my nerve again
In tears, running home I go
Secretly relieved, safe with what I know
Again

And yet I know, I am not the same
Inside my heart is something I can't tame
I feel my mind, bursting into flame
And I must change or else I'll break apart
Or break away
And end up having to start
Again

Patterns through the day I seem to use to give my life a shape
Patterns through the house that give me comfort when I need escape
Patterns that lead me, nowhere
At all