Lyrics Old Fuck - George Carlin

But since the last time, I might have seen some of you folks I have had my 70th birthday.
So, I now... Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, I′m now 70 years old, and I like 70.
Not as much as I liked 69.
Well, 69 was always my favorite number.
Now, I figure I'm 69 with one finger up my ass.
But now that I′m an old fuck, and that's what I consider myself to be, an old fuck.
Old fuck is a very special term.
It's not like old man.
Old man is different.
Old man isn′t really a time in your life or a period of years.
It′s an attitude.
Old man is a point of view.
It's a way of looking at things.
Some guys are old men when they′re in their 20's.
You′ve met guys like that.
They're just wired like old men.
Not me.
Not an old man and not an old fart because an old fart is kind of (sound).
What I am is an old fuck.
It′s kind of like a fat fuck, you know what I mean?
Fat fuck, tall fuck, skinny fuck, short fuck, old fuck.
Who's the old fuck?
That's Georgie.
Georgie′s the old fuck.
In this respect, fuck is actually a synonym for the word fellow.
But now that I′m an old fuck, I'm beginning to notice there′s some advantages to putting on a few extra years.
The first one is you never have to carry anything heavy ever again.
Everybody wants to help an old fuck.
If you've got a big suitcase or something like that, you know, you just kind of go like this a little bit.
You say, "
Yeah, could you help me with this?" Say, "
Yeah.
Hey, how far you going?" "
Indianapolis." He wants to help?
Fuck him.
Put him to work.
Take advantage of people.
Another nice thing about getting old is you can leave any social event early just by saying you′re tired.
Works great with family members.
Just turn to the person next to you and say, "
Geez, I'm getting tired, you know." Oh, are you tired?
Come on.
Grandpa′s tired.
Grandpa's going to bed.
Someone else says, "
But it's 7: 30 in the morning." There′s always one asshole in the family.
But the best thing about getting old is you′re not responsible for remembering things anymore, even important things. "
But it was your daughter's funeral." I forgot.
You can even make believe you have Alzheimer′s disease.
Ah, it's a lot of fun.
You look around the dining room table and you say, "
Who are you people, and where is my horse?" Then you stare at your eldest son and say, "
Agnes, I haven′t seen you since first communion." Fucks them up.
Fucks them up.
They don't know how to handle it.
It takes them a week to get over that shit.
And they start listening to you a lot more carefully from then on.
So don′t be afraid to get old.
It's a great time of life.
You get to take advantage of people, and you're not responsible for anything.
You can even shit in your pants.
They expect it.
I haven′t tried that yet, but I don′t rule it out.
I'm keeping my options open.
Everything is on the table.
Perhaps that′s not the figure of speech I wanted right there.