Lyrics Cacka Boom - Ian Dury , The Blockheads

If you're cold, well here's a plan:
Pull the plug out of your fan
If you're hot, now here's a scheme:
Park your botty in the stream
If you're tired, check this plot:
Seek a source that hits the spot
If you're snooty, here's a ploy
Stroll along the hoi polloi
You'll not have owt to show for it
If you don't go for it
You'll have to come to terms with it
Get on the firm with it
If you don't get to grips with it
You've had your chips with it
You'll only come to rue it if you don't do it

If you're lost, well try this notion:
Find yourself a magic potion
If you're angry, check this wheeze:
Count to ten and then say, 'cheese'
If you're uptight here's the answer:
Learn to be a belly-dancer
If you're concerned, suss a wangle:
Try it from a different angle
Now you can put a name to it
You must lay claim to it
You'll have time to regret it
If you don't go and get it
You won't have much to talk about
If you don't go on walkabout
Don't think you won't mind it
If you don't try and find it

No-one said you must be good as gold
It's what you haven't done
That matters when you're old
No-one said these things are pre-ordained
Nothing ventured...

If you're guilty, cop a stroke:
You only did it for a joke
If you're dozy, here's a tactic:
Tell 'em all they're too didactic
If you're fed up, here's a wrinkle:
Let your piano forte tinkle
If you're wobbling here's a trick:
Happy go toilet, click, click, click