The Uptown Poker Club

Well, now Bill Jackson was the poor ol Judge
Who joined the Uptown Poker Club
And he cursed the day he ever told anybody he'd join.
Cause his money used to go like it had wings,
When he had queens, somebody else had kings.
And every night he'd just sit there donatin' all his coins.
He'd say "Boys, now I"mma play it right tonight,
I'mma watch them cards and I'mma play 'em tight.
And when I come in there son, my hand's gon' be a peach".
Well, he'd play em tight, but after a while
He'd done lost himself a considerable pile
So he got mad and he stood up and made this little speech.

Now boys...
You see this razor?
Well I had it sharpened just today.
Now I'm comin' in here with my rules
That everybody gon' follow when they play.
Now you, Clyde.
You keep your hands on top of the table
When you're dealin', please.
Quit takin' them little wild cards
And stickin' 'em down there between your knees.
And Jesse...
Quit makin' all them funny signs
Like you tryin' to tip off your hand.
You better talk to me in American, son.
American, sos' I can understand.
And Leroy.
Quit takin' 'em off of the bottom, oh, that's rough.
Just take five off the top, then stop. That's enough.
And pass me them cards, son.
Let me cut on them thangs every time 'fore you deal.
I like to handle them thangs, boy. I like to see.
Cause I got news for you lads,
You ain't playin' this game accordin' to that fellow Hoyle, uh-uh. Naw.
Tonight you playin' this game accordin' to ME!

Well, now sittin' around the table in that there game
There just happened to be this ol' one-eyed man.
And Bill kept watchin' him out the corner of his eye.
Cause this ol' one-eyed cat, he been dealin' kinda funny,
He done took a whole bunch of Big Bill's money.
So Bill rolls up and he looks around the room and with a sigh he says
Hmmm.said "It's a awful shame."
He said "There's somebody cheatin' in this here game.
Said "Course it ain't gon' do for me to stand up here and mention the guy.
So I'll refrain from callin' that party's name
But you let me catch him cheatin' just once again,
And I'mma take my fist and I'mma close that other eye.

Now...
You see this razor?
Well I had it sharpened just today.
Now I'm comin' in here with my rules
That everybody must follow when they play.
Now Clyde.
You keep them bony hands up here on top of the table
When you're dealin', please.
Don't go takin' them little wileys
And stickin' em off down there between your knees.
And Jesse!
Cut out makin' all them monkey signs
You still tryin' to tip off your hand.
You better talk to me in American,
Big AA, sos' I can understand.
And Leroy!
Quit takin' 'em off the bottom of the deck, son. I tell ya, that's rough.
This is an Army game, son. Take five and halt. That's enough.
And pass me them pasteboards over here.
Let me cut them thangs every time 'fore you deal.
Cause I like to delve in there, son. I like to see.
Cause I got news for you boys,
You ain't playin' this game accordin' to that fellow Hoyle, uh-uh.
Tonight you playin' this game accordin' to ME!!

Now then. Seein' as how you all know that I didn't
Ride in here on a head of cabbage,
Henry, if you'll break out another deck of them Bicycles
Me and the boys will get on with the business.
But keep your eye on that fella wearin' the patch.
He holds them cards kinda funny.
If he ain't careful, somebody around this table
Liable to jack his jaw.
Ah, son. I feel like my luck just changed.