Lyrics Progressive Christmas Carols - Jon Cozart

We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be
So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three
We've modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie
Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team

You'd better not judge, you better not hate
You better not bully or discriminate
Progressive Santa's coming to town
He's making a list of gluten free foods
He won't take a peek at J-Law's nudes
Progressive Santa's coming to town

He's 50 different races
And all for tax reform
He'll protect all your children
Well, as long as they've been born!
You'd better watch out...
That was too far? Okay

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
Darwin said that's how it goes (evolution's not a theory)

Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA?
Mary did you know that your baby boy is white?
Did you know?

Deck the halls with kujichagulia
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Give zawadi, hang benderas
Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza
Throw your hands up in the air-uh

You're a green one, Mr. Grinch
You're lacking in finesse
That greenish epidermis determines your success
Mr. Grinch
Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress

You're an outlier, Mr. Grinch
You give the Whos a fright
They say your heart is 3 fifths normal
You're either wrong or white
Mr. Grinch
Don't walk the streets of Whoville
You might fight a cop the Whos will not indict

I'm dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday

Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night Jesus did something holy
I don't know the whole story
Joseph watched golf (right?), his leather chair reclining
As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved
Any help here? God?

Three wise men came, with GPS they found him
Christ lied in a barn, as his
Omniscient baby-daddy tucked him in
Jesus crawled on his knees
His mom shared it on Snapchat
O bright device!

O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas