Lyrics Enter the Waffle - Tom Smith

NEWSCASTER
Our top story: All sixty members of the famed Hero League have vanished, apparently into a trap sprung by their enemies. Police say the League was lured to Wimbledon by a fake charity event. Details are sketchy. Wimbledon officials were unavailable for comment...

ROBBER #1
Ladies and gents of First National Bank,
Since all of the heroes are gone, we
Will pause here a moment to graciously thank
You all in advance for your money.

All right, in the bag! C'mon!

ROBBER #2 I wouldn't touch that alarm if I were you...

WAFFLE (GEORGE)
Well, you're not me, so what are you going to do?

ROBBERS
Whoa!
What the...?

WAFFLE
There's still one hero left in this town,
Now put your hands up and put the guns down.

ROBBER #2
Wh- which first?

ROBBER #1
Shoot him, moron!

ROBBER #2
But he said --

ROBBER #1
Forget that!
Where'd he go?

WAFFLE
Over here!
Thought we'd have a nice chat.

ROBBER #2
I ain't talkin' to you!

WAFFLE
If you put down the gun,
Then I promise I won't make you
Eat it for fun.

ROBBER #1
Heck with this!

ROBBER #2
Run!

WAFFLE
Time for the Syrup Gun!

ROBBERS
... SYRUP Gun!?

Ewww! Yech! Gross!
And it's one of those cheap brands, too!

WAFFLE
Mrs. Butterworth is a harsh mistress. Officer!

ROBBER #2
That was my best shirt!

ROBBER #1
I want my lawyer, and a gallon of dishwashing liquid...

POLICEMAN
Thank you very kindly, Mr...

WAFFLE
Waffle.

BYSTANDERS
Waffle?
Waffle?
What the heck kinda hero name is that?

WAFFLE
Well, I couldn't be "The Pancake",
'Cause that would have been too silly,
And "The Breakfast Biscuit" doesn't match my hat.

POLICEMAN
And so what is your power, Mister
Waffle?

BYSTANDERS
Waffle?
Waffle!

WAFFLE
I confuse and then abuse their minds, so frail.

BYSTANDER
Mental waves of indecision?

WAFFLE
Nah, snappy patter and derision,
I just baffle 'em, then WAFFLE! They're in jail.

POLICEMEAN
So let me get this straight -- you're a comedic superhero?

WAFFLE
Well, I try to be a stand-up kinda guy.

BYSTANDER
How do you intimidate the ones not baffled or in fear?

WAFFLE
-- Oh,
I've been meaning to try out my battle cry!
Ahem: It's Batterin' Time!

C'mon, work with me here. *sigh*

Still, not too shabby for a guy with a Super Soaker filled with pancake syrup.

I did it. I DID IT!
I did it, did it, did it!
I went out there and really stopped a crime!
They didn't perforate my torso, I was scared but they were more so,
And I know that I'll do better the second time.