Election Special (Medley) - Live

Linkman: Hello, good evening and welcome to Election
Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at
The moment and we should be getting the first results
Through any moment now. We're not sure where it will be
From, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the
Polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just
Getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my
Left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on
It). And now let's go straight over to Leicester.
Norman: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and
We're expecting the result any moment now. There with
The Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible
Candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the
Silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.
Officer: Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J.
Smith...
Linkman: (Sensible Party)
Officer: ...30, 612. (applause)
Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot
Walrustitty...
Linkman: (Silly Party)
Officer: ...33, 108. (applause)
Linkman: Well there we have the first result of the
Election and the Silly party has held Leicester.
Norman.
Norman: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that
The Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to
The number of votes cast. Gerald.
Gerald: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly
Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
Norman: I think one should point out that in this
Constituency since the last election a lot of very
Silly people have moved into new housing estates with
The result that a lot of sensible voters have moved
Further down the road the other side of number er, 29.
Linkman: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Colin: Can I just say that this is the first time I've
Been on television?
Linkman: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just
Going straight over to Luton.
Gerald: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered
Contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones
(Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-lim-bim-bim-
Bim-bim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel (Silly
Party), and Kevin Phillips-Bong, who is running on the
Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.
Woman: Alan Jones...
Linkman: (Sensible)
Woman: ...9, 112.
Kevin Phillips-Bong...
Linkman: (Slightly Silly)
Woman: Nought.
Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lin-bim-bus-stop-
F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel...
Linkman: (Silly)
Woman: 12, 441. (applause)
Linkman: Well there you have it, the first result of
The election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.
Norman: Well this is a very significant result. Luton,
Normally a very sensible constituency with a high
Proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone
Completely ga-ga.
Linkman: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has
With him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.
James: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?
Tarquin: Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly
Noises including a goat bleating).
Linkman: And do we have the swing at Luton?
Gerald: Er... no.
(Pause)
Linkman: Right, well I can't add anything to that.
Colin?
Colin: Can I just say that this is the second time I've
Been on television?
Linkman: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just
About to get another result.
Norman: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A
Very interesting constituency this: in addition to the
Official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very
Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could
Well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.
Voice over: Mrs Elsie Zzzz...
Linkman: (Silly)
Voice over: 26, 317 (applause).
Jeanette Walker...
Linkman: (Sensible)
Voice over: 26, 318...
Linkman: That was very close!
Voice over: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian
Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrrooo
Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward
(Sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds
Buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in
The..." (fires gun) William (descending swanee whistle)
"Raindrops keep falling on my" (ascending swanee
Whistle) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo)
Naaooo... Smith...
Linkman: (Very Silly)
Voice over: ...two.
Linkman: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at
Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.
Norman: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony
Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful
Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips-Bong.
Tony: Kevin Phillips-Bong. You polled no votes at all.
Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed
With this performance?
Phillips-Bong: Not at all. As I always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
(Sings:)
A dream that will last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream...
Linkman: A very brave Kevin Phillips-Bong there.
Norman.
Norman: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is
Ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh.
Gerald.
Linkman: Right. Er, Colin?
Colin: Can I just say that I'll never appear on
Television again?
Linkman: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to
Pick up a few results you may have missed. A little
Pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a
Gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has
Taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's
Old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie
Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols -- that's not a
Result, that's just a bit of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas
Hume has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small
Piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from
Dunbar and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other one
Not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in
Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a
Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more
Years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want
To do this any more, I'm bored!
Norman: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of
Time.
Gerald: Absolute waste of time.
Norman: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...