Текст песни This Party Took a Turn for the Douche - Garfunkel and Oates

We roll into the bar 'cause that's how we do*
Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go, she
Hits up the juke box and puts on Jim Croce
Operator, can you help me make this call?
We're laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
And I'm liking the direction this night is going
But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone around us looks fucking deranged
I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
With supertight abs and supertan skin
I swear this ain't the club that I walked in
Then the techno music starts to play
And the room smells like Axe body spray
I'm like Golda Mier with no gold in my ear
Please tell me what the hell happened here
Yo, it ain't pretty but you know it's the truth
This party just took a turn for the douche
For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche
I guess I can't beat em so I'm gonna join 'em
Need some douche phrases and I'm gonna coin 'em
Put my Bluetooth in and I'm on my way
Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today
Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree
Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
Get a Chinese tat, don't know what it means
But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens
Don't need sleeves on my shirt, just rip 'em off
And leave 'em exposed like Bernie Madoff
Fake tan so brown you can call me foxy
Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy
Got more chains than Mr. T
Ad I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
'Cause I'm doin roids 'til my balls get teeny
Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace up inside the weenie
Gettin crunk on brewskis with my broskis
I'm cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
Sweeter than the life of Zach and Cody
Higher than the voice of Truman Capote
Yeah, I'll drop a G for that bottle of Goose
This party just took a turn for the douche
For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche
We're an army in the night like Norman Mailer
And it's time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
I'm a VIP 'cause my table said so
I'ma use some roofies 'cause the skank said no
I like my hair like I like my girl's drink
Spiked as fuck
Did my last keg stand like General Custer
And I'm assessing the damage like a claims adjuster
I ain't your Daddy but I'll call you son
Yeah, I get metaphysical like fucking John Donne
I'm holding up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
Girls are on the dance floor shakin' their cobbler
I'm cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum
I'm gonna find the biggest ho in this room
Girl's wax is Brazilian, her manicure's French
Jean Nate is her signature stench
She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
Her garden's more savage than ch-ch-cherry colas
Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
Hope she's birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her Beaver
Take her gold for cash then motherfuckin' leave her
I ain't in love with you, cousin, I ain't George Michael Bluth
This party just took a turn for the douche
For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche (x2)