Текст песни Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag - George Carlin
(Carlin
as
announcer:)
Hello,
America!
It′s
time
to
play
"Asshole,
Jackoff,
Scumbag!"
Ladies
and
gentlemen.
This
man
is
a
rancher,
he
works
for
an
oil
company
and
he
lives
in
Texas.
Is
he
an
asshole,
a
jackoff
or
a
scumbag?
This
man
is
a
lawyer.
He
lives
on
Long
Island
and
he's
a
US
Congressman.
Is
he
an
asshole,
a
jackoff
or
a
scumbag?
This
man
is
a
TV
newscaster,
he
lives
in
the
Midwest
and
he′s
a
born
again
Christian.
Is
he
an
asshole,
a
jackoff
or
a
scumbag?
We'll
find
out
today
as
we
play
"Asshole,
Jackoff,
Scumbag!"
Well,
hello
everyone,
I'm
Bob
Barlow
and
it′s
time
for
another
session
of
"Asshole,
Jackoff,
Scumbag".
You′ve
just
met
our
three
subjects
for
today,
now
let's
meet
our
players.
Two
contestants
who
will
try
to
determine
from
the
clues
we
give
them,
whether
our
three
subjects
are.
assholes,
jackoffs
or
scumbags!
First
of
all,
our
champion.
From
Short
Hairs,
New
Jersey,
she′s
a
mother
of
two
and
her
hobby
is
sitting
on
the
toilet
until
her
legs
fall
asleep!
Here
is
Ethel
Schwantz!
Bob:
How
are
you
today,
Ethel?
Ethel:
Not
so
good,
Bob.
I
think
I'm
going
to
start
my
period.
Bob:
Well,
that
sounds
interesting.
What
does
your
husband
do?
Ethel:
My
husband
is
dead,
Bob.
He
was
crushed
in
a
folding
couch
accident.
Bob:
You
have
any
little
Schwantzes
around
the
house?
Ethel:
Yes,
I
have
been
blessed
with
two
wonderful
sons.
My
oldest
boy,
Elliot,
is
involved
in
charity
work.
Every
weekend,
he
takes
a
hundred
senior
citizens
out
to
the
country
and
leaves
them
there.
And
my
youngest
son,
Jules,
is
currently
attempting
to
be
the
first
man
to
cross
the
Atlantic
in
a
gas
filled
douchebag.
Bob:
Well,
that
sounds
very
interesting,
Ethel.
Let′s
meet
your
opponent.
Your
challenger
is
from
Big
Thighs,
New
York.
A
man
whose
job
is
recovering
stolen
religious
articles.
His
hobby
is
calling
up
the
Red
Cross
and
telling
them
to
go
fuck
themselves.
Meet
Eddie
Donneker!
Eddie:
Hi,
Bob.
Bob:
Hi,
Eddie.
Is
your
wife
here
today?
Eddie:
No,
bob.
She
couldn't
be
here.
She′s
taking
the
SWAT
team
exam
in
Newark.
Bob:
Well,
she
sounds
like
quite
an
independent
lady.
Eddie:
That's
right,
Bob.
She
once
killed
a
man
during
a
sports
argument.
Bob:
Do
you
believe
in
women's
lib?
Eddie:
Bob,
she
can
do
whatever
the
fuck
she
pleases.
Bob:
Okay,
tell
us,
do
you
have
any
children?
Eddie:
Yes,
one
son,
D′Artagnan,
is
quite
a
successful
Mr.
Potato
Head
salesman.
Unfortunately,
my
other
son,
Winslow,
a
designer
of
custom
belt
loops,
was
sucked
up
into
a
vent
this
morning.
Bob:
Well,
that
really
sounds
interesting,
Eddie.
They
sound
like
quite
a
family.
Okay,
it′s
time
to
play
"Asshole,
Jackoff,
Scumbag"
so,
lets
take
a
look
at
our
prizes.
First
of
all,
from
Larson
Luggage,
a
complete
set
of
portable
suitcases.
Yes,
now
you
can
'take
it
with
you′.
Specially
designed
Larson
Luggage
has
built-in
handles!
Making
it
completely
portable.
"Larson.
New
ideas
in
luggage!"
And
our
winner
will
need
that
luggage
because
he
or
she
is
going
on
an
all
expense
paid
vacation
to
Dover,
Delaware!
"Dover,
Delaware.
The
city
that
means
well."
You'll
spend
three
days
in
Dover
at
the
fabulous
Fireproof
Hotel.
And
you′ll
travel
to
Dover
in...
this
brand
new
wheelchair!
Yes,
it's
the
Wilson
Speedmerchant
5000!
The
only
wheelchair
with
a
rollbar!
All
right,
players,
let′s
meet
our
first
candidate
as
Asshole,
Jackoff
or
Scumbag!
Panel,
this
is
Wayne
Critter.
He's
a
rancher
and
an
oil
man
from
Texas.
He
smokes
ground
beef
in
his
pipe
and
his
hobby
is
getting
in
his
pickup
on
Saturday
night
and
running
over
non-whites.
Ethel,
you're
our
champion.
Is
Wayne
Critter
an
asshole,
a
jackoff
or
a
scumbag?
Ethel:
Okay,
Bob.
It′s
definitely
between
asshole
and
scumbag.
Wayne,
what
organizations
do
you
belong
to?
Wayne:
I
belong
to
the
Junior
Chamber
of
Commerce,
the
Masons
and
the
American
Legion.
Ethel:
Okay,
Bob.
Based
on
that
answer,
I′m
going
with
"asshole".
Bob:
Okay,
that's
one
vote
for
"asshole"
and
now,
Eddie
Donneker,
it′s
your
turn.
What
is
Wayne?
Is
he
an
asshole,
a
jackoff
or
a
scumbag?
Eddie:
I
can
settle
this
real
easily,
Bob.
Wayne,
what
are
your
favorite
teams
in
sports?
Wayne:
Well,
I
like
the
Dodgers
in
baseball
and
the
Cowboys
in
football.
Eddie:
Okay,
I
agree
with
Ethel,
he
does
sound
like
an
asshole.
But
that
answer
leads
me
to
only
one
conclusion.
This
guy
is
a
jackoff.
A
real
jackoff!
Bob:
All
right,
we
have
one
vote
for
jackoff
and
one
vote
for
asshole;
now
let's
find
out
what
he
really
is
from
one
person
in
the
position
to
know,
his
wife.
Let′s
bring
her
out
here,
Mrs.
Ola
Mae
Critter!
How
are
you,
Mrs.
Critter?
Mrs.
Critter:
I'm
fine,
Bob.
Bob:
Got
any
little
Critters
running
around?
Mrs.
Critter:
You
mean
crabs?
Bob:
.No,
I
mean
children.
Mrs.
Critter:
All
our
children
are
grown,
Bob,
and
they
all
have
thankless
dead-end
jobs
with
corporations.
Bob:
Well,
that
sounds
interesting,
but
let′s
get
to
the
main
subject,
your
husband.
As
you
know,
our
contestants
have
voted
one
vote
for
"jackoff"
and
one
vote
for
"asshole".
This
is
the
big
moment,
Ola
Mae.
We
want
you
to
tell
us
what
your
husband
is.
Is
he
an
asshole,
a
jackoff
or
a
scumbag?
Mrs.
Critter:
Well,
Bob,
when
I
first
met
him,
he
was
a
real
jackoff.
He
did
all
kinds
of
crazy
things.
Like
he'd
drink
a
lotta
beer
and
then
piss
in
your
hat!
A
real
jackoff!
Then
after
we
got
married,
I
noticed
he
started
turnin'
into
an
asshole.
After
several
years,
he′d
become
a
complete
asshole!
Then
he
started
spendin′
more
and
more
time
with
politicians
and
businessmen,
Bob,
and
they
turned
him
into
what
he
is
today.
A
complete
and
total
scumbag!
Bob:
A
scumbag!
He's
a
scumbag!
That
means
our
first
round
is
a
draw.
No
score
yet.
We′ll
be
back
in
a
moment
or
two
to
break
this
tie
on
round
two
of
"Asshole,
Jackoff,
Scumbag!"
1 A Place for My Stuff
2 First Announcements
3 Have a Nice Day
4 Rice Krispies
5 Second Announcements
6 Interview With Jesus
7 Join the Book Club
8 Third Announcements
9 Ice Box Man
10 Fourth Announcements
11 Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag
12 Fifth Announcements
13 Sixth Announcements
14 Seventh Announcements
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