Lyrics Loss - DP

So I've been gone,
For a little while um and many people probably know
The reason why because it's, kind of been everywhere.
Um but my dad passed away recently
Um it's been almost two weeks now since he passed,
And I've just been trying to sort of
Grapple with a lot of thoughts about
About the situation and trying to process it properly and make sure
That I'm taking the right time and right
Avenues to kind of get my head around it.
Um because people always say the grieving
Process is something different, for everybody.
Um, and it is but I never really had to go through something
Like this before, I've never lost someone so close to me, before
And it's a...
It's a really weird, surreal,
Feeling because you hear about stuff like this from maybe
Some of your friends or you see it online or you see somebody...
That you follow on social media or something
Talk about it but it doesn't really hit you...
How...
How intense that is until it happens to you,
And I don't think I'm ready to like jump back
Into videos, or anything like that anytime soon...
Um, I like I do miss streaming and I do miss making videos but
Obviously it's not my priority right now,
Having something like this happen is really...
Recontextualizing a lot of stuff for me,
Um, I've been doing a lot of thinking
And a lot of reflecting and a lot of...
Re-prioritizing trying to figure out what exactly Is it that I want...
In my life, at this moment
Um...
Because losing your dad is a weird uh
Like facing your mortality, I think
You see a lot of yourself In your parents...
Um, so when something like that happens it hits you extra hard and
Trying to figure out where I'd fit,
EVERYTHING that has just kind of been on my
Mind and what I want to do going forward, basically.
To Any of you who showed support or any of you who
Sent me messages or anybody who was sending any sort of...
Thoughts or love my way, and my family's way during this time,
I really appreciate it thank you,
It was very very sweet and kind of you to do.
To Any of you who posted memes about it, and posted uh,
Negative stuff about it you're absolute scum and I [Blurred:
Fucking] hate you, because you made something that was hard...
So much harder to go through.
Um, and being a person of influence online,
It's sort of hard to avoid a lot of things,
Um, and it's hard to go through something like this knowing that so
Many people are around, and so many people know who you are,
And so many people want information,
And so many prying eyes on things but thankfully,
Most people were very kind,
And very sincere and genuine about it so thank you
I'm not gonna share too much about what
Happened and anything got to do with my family or...
Anything private like that because I just don't think the
Internet needs to know I think that, that's going to stay with us,
Um, the only thing I will say is that because of this sort of current
Climate that we're in right now we,
Me and my brother weren't even able to go home for the funeral,
We had to... [Chuckle] sit at home and watch it over the internet...
Which was still, I'm glad we were able to do that, at least.
It absolutely sucks that we couldn't go there, we couldn't be there,
We couldn't be with our family,
Because of that's going on in the world right now and
It's important to take that seriously of course, but...
Uh, a selfish side of me was [Chuckle] kind of annoyed with that,
But at least we got to see it online and at least we got to pay our
Respects that way and get some closure that way
Which I think was desperately needed and it was...
Super hard but...
I think at the end of the day it was Important to go through that um,
And just connect with family and talk about
And share stories like that which was really nice
Um, I kind of wanna share some stuff about my dad
Uh, the way he lived his life because...
I realized that I didn't really talk
About him all that much, on my channel...
He was a really hard-working man, he worked...
So hard all day, when I was a kid
Um, and I always admired that about him
He always seemed so strong, so dependable, so respected,
He worked so hard for our family to provide and there's seven in my
Family total so it was a pretty big family and he
Worked his ASS off to provide for our family and...
I...
I didn't tell him that as a kid but I am super grateful for
The amount of effort he put in to keep, our family going, and...
He he was an older man, he was 85 almost when he died so he was...
I was always kid who had a much older dad,
My dad was as old as some as my friends granddad's,
So it was a little different for me,
Because my dad had already retired by the time I was...
Like hitting, before I was hitting my teens even,
So my dad was always at home and he was like the caretaker at
Home then and he would always cook me dinner, after school...
And I would always have potato waffles and fish fingers for any Irish
Or English or people who know what that means [Chuckle],
I would always have that almost every day after school my dad would
Cook it for me,
And no one cooked fish fingers as good as my dad did...
Um, and I would always have that after school, and he...
He took care of me because I was the first to come home,
At that point because my,
My older siblings were either working or living somewhere else...
Or they were in a higher grade than me so they came home later from
School, but I always,
Vividly remember those times when I came home and it was just me and
My dad in the kitchen,
And we would chat a little bit about what happened in school,
And those were always super fond memories,
And then something else that I always remembered fondly...
When lost came out,
The TV show which was like my favorite TV show
Of all time, when I was growing up probably...
Probably, still is, I think that a lot of the stuff that I like in TV
And stuff came from that show but, I remember that came out,
And we had no idea what it was but me and my dad sat down because
There was nothing else on TV one night and watched the first two
Episodes, and we got enthralled with it from then,
And every week that an episode of lost came on me and my dad would
Sit down together and watch it for almost I think the entire first
Season, and most of the second we got to do that because by the
Time the second season came out I was heading off to college...
And we couldn't really watch it together as much,
Um, but I always fondly remember those sessions of watching lost
Together, and we would theorize about what was going on and he would
Ask me questions and I would pick up on stuff that he wasn't really
Paying attention to,
And I would always be able to explain it to
Him, and it was just such a good time, so...
It's those types of things I'm trying to remember now,
Uh, after he's gone to...
Keep him in my mind.
So I think what I'm gonna try and
Do going forward, in my life, is to...
Live by some of the core tenets that he taught me growing up,
But also to live a life that he would be proud of,
And to live his sort of legacy through me,
And carry it on and teach anybody who's willing to listen about my
Dad and what he taught me,
And maybe if I ever have kids someday I can teach them...
Stuff like that and just further that legacy on as well.
Because I didn't get to be there, at the end,
But I think that I can carry him with me throughout my life
Every day, it's much harder to do than I thought it would be,
Um, but I'm gonna [Clears Throat] keep
Grieving in my own ways, I'm gonna keep uh
Processing it...
I'm going to come back
Uh...
When I feel...
More ready and more
Engaging and...
In a much better headspace but I've been
Doing some soul searching, and journaling, and...
Just meditating on things I've been trying to like
Read some stuff a bit more, and just do things that are...
Healthy for my brain, I think,
Um, but I do, I do want to get back in a game with my
Friends maybe not like stream it or make videos out of it right now,
Um, but I do miss my friends as well, online,
And playing games with them so you might
Catch me somewhere else rather than right here,
Um, but I'll,
I'll be back whenever I feel like I'm good and ready however...
However long that actually takes,
But uh thank you guys for your understanding and...
Your respect during this time because...
It's, it's hit me harder than I thought it would,
Um that might sound like a really weird thing to say,
But...
I don't know
I don't know where my Brains are right now
So maybe I should just end the video here,
Uh, thank you for listening, and understanding, and...
I'll see you guys whenever.
— Jackspedicey 2