Lyrics 2020 Soul Searching - LJ da Joker

I ain't even gone front wit yall right now
Like shyt been sweet
This really been like one of my roughest years
It challenged me in so many ways
I just wanted to be open with yall
I wanted to be honest you feel me

In 2020 I was insecure first time I really just doubted myself
A lot of things from my past days started to effect my present self
Mentally I was falling apart walking around wit this heavy heart
Acting like don't nothing faze me inside I was turning dark
I ain't wanna try to blame my ex-chick for the heartbreak that I dealt wit
We were both grown we had flaws and I done my share of fuck shyt
But the separation caught me off guard all in and it fell apart
Disregarded like a snot rag like I never had a place inside her heart
I wanted to talk she called the law to be honest went just a lil too far
Now I'm out on bond for 8 stacks and for this ankle monitor paid 4 more
Ignored all my friends suggestions slipped off into a bad depression
Tryna mask this pain I feel now I'm fucking bytches wit no discretion
Then march came and they killed my dawg Jaedon was only 15
Since I wasn't there to protect ya brah that pain really eats inside of me
Like I was 17 when I got that call Trav hit me at like 5am
All he said is I love ya cuz over and over and over again
Don't let em stick me wit no mo needles told him I'll be there in a couple days
Before I get to dade to protect my cuz leukemia took his life away
And I felt the pain that I buried deep tried to smoke and just went to sleep
Them 7 years that I spent in prison killed everything else inside of me
Now fast forward to 2020 making hits every time I rhyme
But the dark side won't let me go hear the voices whispering suicide
Now I'm contemplating I'm second guessing doubting myself and it's seeping in
Anxiety making it hard to breathe feel like my chest is caving in
So I asked God what's happening tuned Him out and I met a friend
Had to be about mid July everything about her seemed heaven sent
Pretty eyes amazing smile fresh air to a drowning heart
Round the time that I was left for dead started to make my way up out the dark
Heard my ex bytch friends talkin shyt wit dem lil pussy niggas they be fuckin wit
Took everything not to run down make them niggas stand on all that shyt
But I know them niggas don't understand just talkin cool tryna get some pussy
This shyt gone go real south if you pussy niggas fuck round and push me
Pillow talking bout my business make me make it my business
Hit you wit that chrome business teach you mind your own business
But I push that anger deep inside took them L's wit a diamond smile
Fly nigga like DC wit dat nickel cannon he be wildin out
Everybody wanna poke a sleeping lion pull the hair of a sleeping giant
But what happens when I can't take no more try to hold it in and it still explodes
I lash out on the ones I love hurt the people who care the most
Temper got her needing space all I really wanna do is just hold her close
2020 Really showed me something I'm my own worst enemy
Dodging covid while fighting cases still making hits that's all me
Still found a woman who loves me deep wit all this anger inside of me
Told my demons shut da fuck up only listen to the God inside of me
For everything that I ever dreamed killed every doubt inside of me
I overcame every single thing that they ever placed in front of me
Looked in the mirror confronted me told myself it's only one of me
To everybody who's in the dark just look inside for the light you seek

Aye listen I know what you're going through right now
I know it feels like the world gone end man
I just want to encourage you to keep your head up stay focused
Keep finding reasons to live for
God still got you here you special you got a purpose man
Don't let that darkness swallow you whole
And stop holding stuff inside man
Don't let that anger build up man
Find somebody you can talk to talk about that shyt man
Cause when you hold that shyt in that shyt will consume you
I know cause I been there
And then when the stuff started to come out like
I'm talking crazy to the people who love me
Like who genuinely care about me who really wanna see
What's know what I'm saying wanna see me be my best
That's not fair to them or me
So hold your head up keep fighting and know you ain't alone out there ya feel me