Lyrics Mrs. Von Tussle Says - Pattie Darcy, Marc Shaiman

I've taught you all the lessons they don't teach in public schools
And so let's all recite Velma Von Tussle's golden rules

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Girls, you mustn't ever eat snacks
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Colors, ladies, stay away from blacks
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Girls, let's hope not one more stomach growls
(Remember)
What Mrs. Von Tussle says is gold

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
The girl who's chosen must be the right fit
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Stand still, Amber, let me have that zit
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
We must read out those Baltimore hips
(Remember)
What Mrs. Von Tussle says sticks

A lady's virtue in my days just wasn't up for grabs
And now you got my underlocking key
Remember, girls, that I was crowned to Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(Yeah, way back in one million years BC!)
(Cha cha cha!)

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Brenda clearly went too far one night
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Girls, lesson learned
We'll keep our ... tight!
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
And now it's time to...
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Get out your claws and let the games begin

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Just how many sweaters do you own?
Three? (Aw!)
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
What color is your private princess from?
Aqua? (Aw!)
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Come back when daddy buys you a new nose
(Remember)
What Mrs. Von Tussle says 's gold.

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Listen people, can I be frank?
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
You're twist was crap and kid, your pony stanks!
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
What's that move, a scratch for fleas and ticks?
(Remember)
What Mrs. Von Tussle says sticks

Too short, too tall, too big, too small
My God, what's on your face?
You're not what Velma's public wants to see
But I can dream this world would seem a much more lovely place
If everybody here in looked like me!
(Cha cha cha!)

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
And finally, I hate to sound cruel
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

I sure would, I'm all for integration, it's the new frontier
Not in Baltimore, it isn't

(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Darling, well, this just is not your day
(Mrs. Von Tussle says)
Guys, Amber, take her away!