Knowing

I want to live
I don't want to die
I want to live forever
No matter how many times
Or ways
I may
Disassemble

When I met you at that party
And asked myself what living meant
And I knew
I knew it meant I would ask you
For your number
Ask you if I could call you
You blushed
And you smiled

When we went out
You made it clear
This was all new to you
You didn't know what you were doing
Didn't know what to do
Didn't know if you
Were really ready to
Follow anything through

But I'm alright with that
You told me
If that's alright with you
Too

When we got naked
The first time
You jerked my penis
So hard that it bled
You said
I should have told you
You were hurting me
And I should have
But I didn't
And I wondered
Why I hadn't
And then I knew
But I also knew
Knowing didn't mean
That I would do
Anything new

I wished that you would tell me
What you thought of me
But you said nearly nothing
About me
During our phone calls

You said you were so nervous
About your school work
That you couldn't sleep
Said that the anniversary
Of your sister's suicide
Was coming
And you weren't sure what that meant

Except that possibly you
Wouldn't be available
You might be moody
You might
You didn't know what you might do

Months passed
You never called me
But you called me back
Eventually
When I left messages

And sometimes
We had sex
Kind of
In my car
Down by a park
Where I thought we wouldn't be noticed

But a policeman
Knocked on the steamy window
And told us to move along
And I was
So embarrassed

It felt like I'd brought my past
Into the present
Had I really changed
Was life better than it had been
Was I making progress
Any at all?

I wanted to break up with you
Because I felt like it wasn't working out
Or like it wasn't going to work out
But a friend told me
Not to fix things
Before they were broke

Were we broke?
I didn't know
Wait until you know, then
My friend said
How would I know, though?
How will I know?

Eventually I knew
And that was that
And you said
You weren't too disturbed about it

Maybe you didn't think there was anything
To break up
But you were gentle
Like you'd always been

Except with my penis