The Point

I kept going from job to job
I couldn't go back to
Teaching university
Again
With just a master's degree
Those days were gone
No nepotistic mom
Who could open doors for me
In Canada
And I couldn't seem to stay interested
In any other job
In the same way

Finally I started my own business
Thinking it might allow me
To do everything
I wanted to do
Or everything I might want to do
If I only knew what I wanted to do
But it was a lot of work
And it was taking a long time
To build up a regular clientele
Of people
Seeking tarot readings
Or small businesses
Seeking websites
In an internet
Dominated more and more
By social media

And then there was the music business
My business of music
Which had never made any money for me
Even though I'd been signed to a label
And came out with an album
And did a little touring
On the goth club circuit
But I don't want to tour
I want to stay close to home
Close to my partner
And close to watching our television shows
Together
America's Next Top Model
So You Think You Can Dance
Whatever

And stay close to my meetings
Around the corner
And then home to...
To find something to do
Re-record old songs
Write restless, honest poetry
Or at least as honest as I could be
About how small everything felt sometimes
Words falling around me
Uncomfortably
And always searching
The job postings
And remembering
Enjoying working
With youth
Most of the time
And that one summer
When I'd managed
A recovery house
It didn't pay particularly well
But it kept me on my toes
There was always something going on
Always something going down

So I searched on Craigslist
For youth and addiction
And because I wasn't sure
About anything
I searched for the word maternity
Because it would probably be
Easier to get into
And definitely
Out of
A maternity leave position
Without upsetting anyone

And then suddenly
I had a job
And employees
Youth substance use counselors
Asking me what I believed
About substance use
And recovery
About prevention
Of harm
About prevention
Of substance use
And did I think
They were one and the same?

I'd started drinking coffee
And caffeinated drinks again
After 12 years
Of abstaining
It had just been too difficult
To get out of bed each morning
Through all my boring
Jobs since we came to Canada
And it felt like it would be nice
To sit down and have a steamy
Cup of coffee
Get a little buzz going
In the morning
And it was
Nice
Even if sometimes I overdid it
And got a migraine
Which I eventually noticed
Only happened when I had caffeine
After three
In the afternoon
So I stopped having caffeine
After three
In the afternoon
For the most part

And at the back of my mind
I wondered
What would happen
If I had a glass of wine
Maybe it would be like me
Starting back on coffee
A little bumpy perhaps
But no big thing

And I began saying in AA meetings
That I honestly didn't know
What would happen
If I drank again
But what would be the point
What would I gain
From drinking again
Even if it wasn't a catastrophe
What would the point be?

What was the point to anything
What was the point to me
What was the point to caffeine
To our new puppy
Who just costs money
And puts a cramp in our style
But whom I find myself loving
So much
When she looks at me
Looks to me
For food
For affection
For fun
For a walk
Around the park
So she can bark
And try to attack other dogs
Such a naughty little girl
At the centre of my world

My little
My lovely
My lovely, little world