William Tell Overture

It's a beautiful day for the race
Stooge Hand is the favorite today
Assault is in there
Dog Biscuit is three to one
Safety Pin has been scratched
And at twenty to one, Fidelbaum
Now the horses are approaching the starting gate
And, uh, there they go!
And it's Stooge Hand going to the front
Cabbage is second on the rail
Beautiful Linda is third by a length
And, uh, Fidelbaum
Around the first turn
Stooge Hand is still in front
Cabbage is second by a head (Cabbage by a head!)
Beautiful Linda is third
And, uh, Fidelbaum
Into the back stretch
Dog Biscuit is now leading the pack
Lady Evelyn is second, very close
Banana is coming up through the bunch
Banana coming up through the bunch!)
And Fidelbaum
At the half
Stooge Hand still out in front
Apartment House is second with plenty of room
Assault is passing Battery (Assault and Battery!)
Notary Sojack is fourth
And in last place by ten links
I believe it is, yes, it's Fidelbaum
Around the turn heading for home
It's Stooge Hand and Dog Biscuit
And Girdle in the stretch
Flying Sylvester and Mother-In-Law
Nagging in the rear (Oink! Oink! Oink!)
And now they come down to the wire
And it's number one
And now number two
And it's very close
It'll either be a photo finish or an oil painting
And now Lewis leads with a left
And Lewis is in there slugging
And it's a battle
And now they're tearing hair
There's hair all over the ring
There's hair all over the place
I don't know whose hair it is, but, heh, heh, it's mine!
And there goes the winner!
Fidelbaum