Lyrics Normal American Boy - Dick Van Dyke , Chita Rivera

He's coming!
He's coming!
Conrad Birdie is coming!

Hey Conrad, how 'bout answering a few questions
How do you feel about going the army?

How does he feel?
You ask how he feels?
He's much too shy to tell you so I'll tell you how he feels
He feels

Brave and eager
Strangely humble
Proud to be a plain G.I.

He will gladly
Face those bullets
For he's not afraid to die

For he's a fine, upstanding
Patriotic
Healthy, normal American boy

And that's why he volunteered for-
Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!
And he appealed three times!

Sing!
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do!
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true
When you're not near us
We're blue
Oh Conrad, we love you

Very nice!
Say, what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad
Are you two engaged?

Is he engaged?
Is Conrad engaged?
There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged

She's a real pal
Like a sister
But it doesn't mean a thing
And that eighteen-karat diamond
It was just a friendship ring

For he's a fine, upstanding
Patriotic
Healthy, normal American boy

Then why was her husband so mad?
Uh, sing
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do!
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true
Hmmm...

Oh, I'll never forget what Conrad said
When he found he'd been accepted by the Armed Forces
"Gee, Mr. Peterson," he said eagerly
"Do ya suppose they'll assign me to the front-line trenches?
That way I'll get myself one of those Dirty Jerry's?"
(Uh, Albert)
Or, whoever dirty this time!

Hey Mr. Peterson, give us the scoop
Is Conrad still drinking a lot?

Now, listen here
This gossip must stop!
He goes to church each Sunday
And he doesn't touch a drop!

He's as decent as a minister (Absolutely!)
He's as sober as a judge
He subscribes to every charity
And his hobby's making fudge

For he's a fine upstanding
Patriotic
Healthy, normal American boy

Is is true that you found Conrad in a reform school?

That is a lie
A lie through and through
I'll tell you where he came from
Here's the story and it's true

He was born in Indo-China
(He was born in Old Virginny)
Son of missionaries there
(On a thousand-acre farm)
Very poor and very hungry
(From a line of wealthy planters)
What a cruel life to bear
(Full of genteel, Southern charm)

Soon, he drifted down to Hong Kong
(In the evening by the river)
To a waterfront saloon
(By the moonlight, they would croon)
That is when I heard him singing
(That's when Conrad started singing)
Underneath the Hong Kong moon
('Neath the old plantation moon)

Oh, beautiful (We love you, Conrad)
For spacious skies (Oh, yes, we do)
For amber waves of grain (We love you, Conrad)
(And we'll be true, ooh)
America. America (Conrad, we love you)
God shed His grace (We love you, Conrad)
On thee (We'll be true)

For he's a fine, upstanding
Average, modest
Patriotic
Healthy, normal
American
American boy