It's No Use Looking At Me

Last Sunday I strolled into church the first time for years
A christening they had, a fine baby lad
The parson said, "Now who's the pa of this bouncing boy"
He looked at me,
I grabbed my hat and said, "I don't do things like that"
It's no use looking at me, no use looking at me

He said I really thought a likeness I could see
I blushed red all around my ears and said "My word what strange ideas"
Why I've been to sea for the last three years
So it's no use looking at me

It's no use looking at me
In the courts a murder case I heard being tried
"The murderer" said they "is at large today"
But no doubt they'll trace him by the scar on his face
The judge then glared all round the dock
He caught my eye, I said "Old cock"
It's no use looking at me, no use looking at me

He said, "I thought a scar on your face I could see"
I said, "You're rather out of place
I've got a scar but in my case
It's a darned long way off from my face
So it's on use looking at me. No it 's looking at me"

At acting once I tried my hand they said I'd be good
Arrangements were made and Hamlet I played
I got rather muddled when I dressed for the part
The audience were full of grins. I shouted out "Odds Bodderkins"
It's no use looking at me, no use looking at me

I was feeling a draught around my anatomy
I must have looked the sight of sights
I shouted "Ee turn out the lights"
'Cause I've only got one leg in my tights
So it's no use looking at me
No, no it's no use looking at me