Bullshit

There was this guy
Who showed up
At all the community meetings
About mental health
And addiction
About homelessness
And social development
And about the most marginalized
And vulnerable among us
Intravenous drug users
Mentally ill
Dissembled First Nations

He frankly stated
That our meetings were fucking bullshit
But that he was coming
To every last one of them
To witness our stupidity
To make sure we knew somebody
Was watching and noting
All the time and the resources
That we were wasting
Patting each other on the back
For putting up new curtains
In a building
With a foundation
That was designed to crumble
Ensuring we'd stay employed
In the endless task
Of keeping that
Crumbling
Building
Standing

His face turned red
Around the words he said
And sometimes he apologized
In advance
For what he was about to do
And people tried to point out to him
That an apology means nothing
In advance
And nothing after the fact
If he wasn't going to at least try to do
Something new

Oh no, he assured us
He was coming to the next meeting
And was going to do
Exactly the same thing
Because people were needlessly dying
Right down the street from here
Right now
And no one but him
Was saying
Or especially doing
Anything
About it

One day someone invited me
To present at a training session
About substance use
And people with developmental disabilities
And frankly, I didn't know a thing
Other than having worked with
People with autism and Down syndrome
And having had my own substance use issues

I did some research on the internet
And made a few calls to some people
In California
And they sent me some PowerPoints
From their presentations
So I'd made a little progress
But I wondered what this guy
Might know
So I called around
And got his phone number
And told him what I was trying to do
Invited him to meet for coffee
And he agreed
Remarking at the end of our phone call
"You're pretty brave
Calling me"

At the back of my mind
I thought I might help him out
Because I'd learned to tame my anger
At this insult called life
To live as if all bets were off
As if I were already dead
So what reason is there
To get so upset?

I thought I'd help him
To stop turning red
To stop being so determined
To fight unwinnable wars

I thought I might be able to help him
Look for an infinite weave
In the finite tapestry
Of this dubious world

Yes, I realized I had something in common
With Jesus Freaks
Something in common with cults
And probably Scientology
But if it worked
It worked
Isn't that what it's all about
Lifting up Candide's mask
And going off to plant some cabbages
Until this mortal coil
Uncoils
Until X marks the spot
Where you are not
Until you fly off into space
An unstoppable loogie
On and on
Indefatigably fatigued
Hopelessly hopeful
So dead that you can live
Despite all of the...

Bullshit
Fucking bullshit meetings
Fucking bullshit society
Fucking bullshit service providers
Fucking bullshit pretty window coverings
Fucking vicious cycle of charity
Fucking bullshit everything

But he didn't want my help
With his anger
Or with finding an illusory
Infinite thread
In the fucked up tapestry of the world
Where the system takes people
Who have been ground up
And grinds them
Down some more
To support a ballooning health
And prison-industrial complex
Of stock holders
In far off towers
Betting on the continuance
Of HIV and Hepatitis-C
Banning clean needles
Shaking down street sex workers
Who've just bought their fix
With a string of demeaning five dollar tricks

And then billions are spent on drug interdiction
Legions of cops enforcing laws
That do nothing to slow
The roots of addiction
Dumping chicken shit
On homeless camps
With blessings from the crusading
Government tit-sucking
Salvation Army

No, he didn't want to entertain my scheme
That we might live in an elaborate
Solipsistic dream
Of unending suffering
My dream that we would one day
Lift our heads from the mess
But not until we stopped
Trying to lift our heads
Stopped struggling
With anything
Not until we just sat here
In the bullshit
Squishing it between our toes
Until it grows cold
And then off we go
To find a new and steamier pile
That will keep our toes
Warm again
For a while