Crooked

Michael had a crooked penis
His mom was Vietnamese
His father was in the war
They lived in the San Fernando Valley
Michael and his mom
And his little brother
Without their dad

Michael stared at me
From across the room
And smiled
And stared some more
And then came up and said hello
And asked me on a date

He didn't have a car
But I did
So I drove out to the valley
Where he'd prepared a picnic
At a park
In a secluded place
Where we could chat and cuddle

I drove out to the valley again
And picked him up
To bring him to my family's house
At the beach
We went swimming
I taught him how to body surf
He wasn't very good
But it was his first time
In the ocean
And he was fearless
And smiling
And I
Smiled back

I'd been elected president
Of my high school
So over that summer
I went to student council camp

3,000 high school
Student leaders
From across the state
Of California

Where we engaged in workshops
And team building exercises
And I wrote letters to Michael
Every night

Thinking about his crooked penis
That I discovered on that day
When I brought him to the beach
And didn't say
Anything

I'd just become quiet
And he noticed
And asked about it
And I said it was nothing
Nothing's wrong

One day at leadership camp
We gathered in the auditorium
And watched a film
Based on the human relations camp
I was already a youth leader at
For the last two years

The film, like the camp, talked about
Racism
And then
Sexism and then
Anti-Semitism and then
Homophobia and then
They turned the lights back on
And the facilitators facilitated
A conversation

About everything
In the film
Except homophobia
Even though the auditorium
Had broken out in jeers and laughs
During that section

I started to sweat
And to breathe heavy
Wondering what to do
Feeling like
Like I was going to explode

I got up
Walked outside
Made up my mind
Went back in
And raised my hand

Thinking maybe someone else
Would too
After I had
But no one else did

I was alone
Wondering out loud
Why the facilitators
Had done this to me
To others like me
Why did you set us up
And then let us down?

I can't remember
How they responded
But I suppose
They did somehow
But I was alone
And I walked out alone
Surrounded by
Everyone else

And I stayed at the camp
Until it was over
Alone

Writing to Michael
Struggling to put my experience
Into ink
Onto paper
Into an envelope
Into the mail
To arrive to Michael
Sometime later

Wondering what I would ever do
With his crooked penis
It wasn't just bent
It was crooked
Like a boomerang

Word spread
And my high school
Took on the name bi-high
Over the summer
On account of me

I got my ears pierced
And wore a silver male symbol
In each ear
On the first day of school

I felt like everyone
Was staring at me
All of the time
And I had dropped Michael
Without explanation
Though he pled for one
Became angry when I
Wouldn't give him one

Maybe if he'd mentioned
His crooked penis
Himself I would have
Said something
But he didn't
And I couldn't say it
So I
Couldn't say anything

He didn't have a car
He lived in the valley
I could avoid the places
I knew he went
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