Lyrics Dead Parrot Sketch - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970 - Monty Python
Dead
Parrot
Sketch
The
cast:
MR.
PRALINE
John
Cleese
SHOP
OWNER
Michael
Palin
The
sketch:
A
customer
enters
a
pet
shop.
Mr.
Praline:
′Ello,
I
wish
to
register
a
complaint.
(The
owner
does
not
respond.)
Mr.
Praline:
'Ello,
Miss?
Owner:
What
do
you
mean
"miss"?
Mr.
Praline:
I′m
sorry,
I
have
a
cold.
I
wish
to
make
a
complaint!
Owner:
We're
closin'
for
lunch.
Mr.
Praline:
Never
mind
that,
my
lad.
I
wish
to
complain
about
this
parrot
what
I
purchased
not
half
an
hour
ago
from
this
very
boutique.
Owner:
Oh
yes,
the,
uh,
the
Norwegian
Blue...
What′s,
uh...
What′s
wrong
with
it?
Mr.
Praline:
I'll
tell
you
what′s
wrong
with
it,
my
lad.
'E′s
dead,
that's
what′s
wrong
with
it!
Owner:
No,
no,
'e's
uh,...he′s
resting.
Mr.
Praline:
Look,
matey,
I
know
a
dead
parrot
when
I
see
one,
and
I′m
looking
at
one
right
now.
Owner:
No
no
he's
not
dead,
he′s,
he's
restin′!
Remarkable
bird,
the
Norwegian
Blue,
idn'it,
ay?
Beautiful
plumage!
Mr.
Praline:
The
plumage
don′t
enter
into
it.
It's
stone
dead.
Owner:
Nononono,
no,
no!
'E′s
resting!
Mr.
Praline:
All
right
then,
if
he′s
restin',
I′ll
wake
him
up!
(shouting
at
the
cage)
'Ello,
Mister
Polly
Parrot!
I′ve
got
a
lovely
fresh
cuttle
fish
for
you
if
you
Show...
(Owner
hits
the
cage)
Owner:
There,
he
moved!
Mr.
Praline:
No,
he
didn't,
that
was
you
hitting
the
cage!
Owner:
I
never!
Mr.
Praline:
Yes,
you
did!
Owner:
I
never,
never
did
anything...
Mr.
Praline:
(yelling
and
hitting
the
cage
repeatedly)
′ELLO
POLLY!
Testing!
Testing!
Testing!
Testing!
This
is
your
nine
o'clock
alarm
call!
(Takes
parrot
out
of
the
cage
and
thumps
its
head
on
the
counter.
Throws
it
up
in
the
air
and
watches
it
plummet
to
the
floor.)
Mr.
Praline:
Now
that's
what
I
call
a
dead
parrot.
Owner:
No,
no...
No,
′e′s
stunned!
Mr.
Praline:
STUNNED?!?
Owner:
Yeah!
You
stunned
him,
just
as
he
was
wakin'
up!
Norwegian
Blues
stun
easily,
major.
Mr.
Praline:
Um...
now
look...
now
look,
mate,
I′ve
definitely
'ad
enough
of
this.
That
parrot
is
definitely
deceased,
and
when
I
purchased
it
not
′alf
an
hour
Ago,
you
assured
me
that
its
total
lack
of
movement
was
due
to
it
bein'
tired
and
shagged
out
following
a
prolonged
squawk.
Owner:
Well,
he′s...
he's,
ah...
probably
pining
for
the
fjords.
Mr.
Praline:
PININ'
for
the
FJORDS?!?!?!?
What
kind
of
talk
is
that?,
look,
why
did
he
fall
flat
on
his
back
the
moment
I
got
′im
home?
Owner:
The
Norwegian
Blue
prefers
keepin′
on
it's
back!
Remarkable
bird,
id′nit,
squire?
Lovely
plumage!
Mr.
Praline:
Look,
I
took
the
liberty
of
examining
that
parrot
when
I
got
it
home,
and
I
discovered
the
only
reason
that
it
had
been
sitting
on
its
perch
in
the
First
place
was
that
it
had
been
NAILED
there.
(Pause)
Owner:
Well,
o'course
it
was
nailed
there!
If
I
hadn′t
nailed
that
bird
down,
it
would
have
nuzzled
up
to
those
bars,
bent
'em
apart
with
its
beak,
and
VOOM!
Feeweeweewee!
Mr.
Praline:
"VOOM"?!?
Mate,
this
bird
wouldn′t
"voom"
if
you
put
four
million
volts
through
it!
'E's
bleedin′
demised!
Owner:
No
no!
′E's
pining!
Mr.
Praline:
′E's
not
pinin′!
'E′s
passed
on!
This
parrot
is
no
more!
He
has
ceased
to
be!
'E's
expired
and
gone
to
meet
′is
maker!
′E's
a
stiff!
Bereft
of
life,
′e
Rests
in
peace!
If
you
hadn't
nailed
′im
to
the
perch
'e′d
be
pushing
up
the
daisies!
'Is
metabolic
processes
are
now
'istory!
′E′s
off
the
twig!
'E′s
kicked
the
Bucket,
'e′s
shuffled
off
'is
mortal
coil,
run
down
the
curtain
and
joined
the
bleedin′
choir
invisibile!
THIS
IS
AN
EX-PARROT!
(Pause)
Owner:
Well,
I'd
better
replace
it,
then.
(he
takes
a
quick
peek
behind
the
counter)
Sorry
squire,
I've
had
a
look
′round
the
back
of
the
shop,
and
uh,
We′re
right
out
of
parrots.
Mr.
Praline:
I
see.
I
see,
I
get
the
picture.
Owner:
I
got
a
slug.
(Pause)
Mr.
Praline:
Pray,
does
it
talk?
Owner:
Nnnnot
really.
Mr.
Praline:
WELL
IT'S
HARDLY
A
BLOODY
REPLACEMENT,
IS
IT?!?!?
Owner:
N-no,
I
guess
not.
(gets
ashamed,
looks
at
his
feet)
Mr.
Praline:
Well.
(Pause)
Owner:
(quietly)
D′you...
d'you
want
to
come
back
to
my
place?
Mr.
Praline:
(looks
around)
Yeah,
all
right,
sure.
1 Flying Sheep - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
2 Wasp / Tiger Club
3 A Man With Three Buttocks (Television Interviews) - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
4 Raspberry
5 Crunchy Frog (Trade Description Act) - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
6 Great Actors
7 Background To History
8 Nudge Nudge Wink Wink - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
9 The Mouse Problem - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
10 Record Shop
11 Buying A Bed - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
12 First World War
13 Interesting People - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
14 Mrs. Niggerbaiter
15 Barber Shop Sketch (The Barber) - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
16 Oscar Wilde
17 Lumberjack Song (Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970)
18 Pet Shop
19 Interview - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
20 Phone In
21 Arthur Two Sheds - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
22 Children's Stories - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
23 Visitors - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
24 Albatross - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
25 Mr Hilter - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
26 The North Minehead By-Election - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
27 Me, Doctor - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
28 Dead Parrot Sketch - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
29 Self Defence - Live At Camden Town Hall, London / 1970
30 Introduction - Pt. 1
31 Introduction (Apology)
32 Spanish Inquisition - Pt. 1 / Extended
33 Gumby Theatre
34 Contradiction
35 Abattoire
36 Spanish Inquisition - Pt. 2
37 Ethel the Frog
38 Mary Queen of Scots (Extended)
39 Spanish Inquisition (Ending / Extended)
40 Sound Quiz
41 Be A Great Actor
42 Neville Shunt
43 Festival Hall Emille
44 Spam Sketch
45 Spam Song - Edit
46 Camp Judges
47 Stake Your Claim
48 Lifeboat
49 Camp Judges - Pt. 2
50 Undertaker
51 Knees Up Mother Brown Sketch
52 Treadmill Lager
53 Bishop At Home (Mr. Stoddard)
54 Court Room Sketch
55 Undertaker (Dead Bishops On The Landing)
56 Introduction - Monty Python's Previous Record
57 Are You Embarrassed Easily?
58 A Book At Bedtime
59 England 1747: Denis Moore
60 Money Program
61 Money Song
62 Denis Moore - Pt. 2
63 Denis Moore Song - Robin Hood Theme
64 Australian Table Wine
65 Denis Moore Song, Pt. 2 (Robin Hood Theme)
66 Argument (Edit)
67 How To Do It
68 Denis Moore Song, Pt. 3 (Robin Hood Theme)
69 Pepperpots
70 Personal Freedom
71 Denis Moore Song, Pt. 4 (Robin Hood Theme)
72 Eric the Half a Bee Sketch
73 Eric the Half a Bee
74 What Do You Do Quiz
75 Travel Agent
76 Massage From The Swedish Prime Minister
77 Silly Noises
78 An Elk Sketch
79 Yangtse Kiang Sketch
80 Yangtse Kiang Song
81 Massage From The Swedish Prime Minister - Pt. 2
82 A Minute Past
83 1972 Eclipse of the Sun
84 Alistair Cook Attacked By A Duck
85 Wonderful World Of Sound
86 Certified Stiff
87 Massage From The Swedish Prime Minister - Pt. 3
88 Happy Valley
89 Baxter's
90 Meteorology
91 Blood, Devastation, War & Horror
92 The Great Debate
93 Mortuary Visit
94 Flying Fox Of The Yard
95 Is There
96 Teach Yourself Heath
97 The Book Ad
98 Big Red Bowl
99 Pepperpots - Pt. 2
100 Pellagra
101 Election Forum
102 Dead Bishops/Rats
103 Elephantplasty
104 Novel Writing
105 Word Association
106 Bruce's Sketch
107 Bruce's Song
108 Ralph Mellish
109 Doctor Quote
110 Cheese Emporium
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