Текст песни Nothing is as Scary as the IRS - TurtleFrogMan

I gathered up all of my tax return filings from several previous years
And a paper bag stuffed with receipts to help bolster my case
I drove to the IRS office downtown I was panicking, holding back tears
Before I went in there I put on my best poker face

I had an appointment and went to the auditor's office shook hands, introductions
And in front of the IRS auditor now I am seated
He pulled out a rather voluminous file and said "let's start with all your deductions"
And a part of me felt like confessing - You caught me I cheated!

Nothing is as scary as the IRS
They'll torture you with paperwork and force you to confess
They can freeze all of your assets and leave you penniless
Nothing is as scary as the IRS

He was leafing through all of my paperwork, his glasses were riding his nose
He said "last year you took a deduction for breast augmentation?"
I said, "yes sir, my ex wife's a stripper and couldn't do business without both of those"
He said, "you wrote off several bar tabs as a charitable donation?"

I said, "yes sir, I often take homeless men drinking they're grateful and gentle as rabbits"
He said, "you're claiming a trip to a brothel a business expense?"
I said "yes sir, I often must entertain clients with very uncivilized habits"
It was clear at that moment that I would need legal defense

Nothing is as scary as the IRS
They'll torture you with paperwork and force you to confess
They can freeze all of your assets and leave you penniless
Nothing is as scary as the IRS

I can hear all you suckers up there on your high horses
Saying "the law is the law you should heed it "

The Bible is 1200 pages in length and the tax code is seventy thousand
And you didn't read it!

The government's wasted so much of our money then borrows the rest
And just raises the debt limit ceiling

I don't mind paying for soldiers or interstate highways
But all of the rest of it constitutes stealing!

The auditor glared at me, with furrowed brow he said, "your bookkeeping is unconventional"
I said, "if monies are owed in back taxes I'm happy we caught it"
He said, "sir, I believe we have evidence here your mistakes weren't mistakes, they're intentional"
"We'll pursue an indictment for fraud as you failed this audit"

I asked, "are you proposing to send to me prison, for how long you mean like a day or two?
He said, "the charges we bring will inform what the penalty max is"
I begged, "I'll never make it in federal prison! You can't order take out or pay per view!"
He said, "you should have thought of that before you cheated on taxes!"

Nothing is as scary as the IRS
They'll torture you with paperwork and force you to confess
More scary than Jeff Dahmer or that creature in Loch Ness
More scary than a fat man in an undersized flowery dress
More scary than a time bomb mailed to your home address
They can freeze all of your assets and leave you penniless
Nothing is as scary as the IRS